I, April
by Andrea O'Down
Summary: April O'Neil had never thought that her life could turn any weirder after they left New York City. But it does when she wakes up one morning and finds herself completely changed. (Kraang!April-Alternate Universe; canon up to the episode "Buried Secrets", but takes a totally different turn afterwards.) ON HIATUS
1. Prologue

_This story was inspired by Hamster's awesome picture of Kraang!April which I have the honor of using here as a cover. Thank you so, so much for your awesome art, Hamster, and many thanks to BelatedBeliever1127 for doing the beta-reading on this chapter! And thanks to FaithfulWhispers as well for encouraging me to finally post this story. You guys are the best!_

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If someone had told me this a year ago, I would have laughed at him. Loudly. Incredulously. Thinking of it as a joke. Just a joke. A lie. A fairy tale meant to entertain me. Or scare me. Or maybe both.

But it is the truth, the terrible truth. Nothing to laugh about. Not now. Not ever.

I, April O'Neil, am not entirely human.

The first sixteen years of my life I had no clue about this. I grew up like a normal human child. I looked like a normal human child. I was eager to learn and loved to laugh like a human child.

Only, I wasn't.

There had been clues, yes, but nothing too obvious. I sometimes got a feeling about things, but that was it. It was only when the Kraang kidnapped me and I met the Turtles that evidence started emerging slowly.

It shocked me, sure, but I recovered pretty fast. Because, maybe, no, for sure I wasn't entirely human, but I still _looked_ human. My friends, my teachers, my family, they still _saw_ me as a human.

Even if I wasn't.

I, April O'Neil, am not entirely human.

But when Kraang Prime connected my brain to this weird machine, dragging out of my mind whatever it was they needed to mutate this world, this set something into motion. It stirred something inside my head, only a tingle at first at the back of my head, something that could easily be ignored when you felt totally exhausted and tired and dizzy because someone had tapped your brain.

And so I forgot about it.

But when the Kraang got a hold on me when we infiltrated TCRI and my mind did this weird blast-thing that knocked the Kraang off their feet, this something inside my head started stirring again, stronger this time, but again, I didn't really pay attention, because brain on fire, ready to pop, how I put it.

From then on, it wasn't only a tingle. No, something was rumbling in the back of my head, pulsating, growing, sometimes it felt like a very terrible headache.

I did my best to ignore it because it made no sense. Or I didn't want it to make sense. So I concentrated on other things, like helping Donnie with the retromutagen.

But it got bigger, louder, until one day, it stopped.

I tried to tell myself that it was over now. But I was just trying to sugarcoat whatever it was. The truth was that whatever had caused this rumbling was ready now, ready to break free. And I had known it all along.

It did break free, the night after my powers had kicked in again to save me and the guys from this creepy Kraang-clone of my mother.

The moment my mind had sent out this shockwave had also given this weird something the signal that it was time. I could feel the rumbling at the back of my head, the shivers it sent down my spine, the moving under my skin, but I could ignore it, my mind too occupied with the night's events.

But when I went to sleep the last barrier broke and I woke up the next morning completely changed.

I sigh as I look into the mirror, the long tentacles sticking out of the back of my head, waving slightly because I haven't totally figured out how to keep them under control, the smaller tentacles on the top of my head, shivering slightly, as if they waited for something they could connect to.

I squeeze my eyes shut with a flinch.

I, April O'Neil, am not entirely human.

And everyone can see.


	2. Chapter 01

_Thank you all for your feedback! ^^ And special thanks to BelatedBeliever1127 for beta-reading this chapter. :)_

 _The scene when Raph and Donnie find Kraang!April was inspired by another awesome pic by Hamster. The same goes for the scene between April and Donnie at the end which is based on a comic Hamster did. You can find them all on Hamster's tumblr: hamsterandturtlesoup . tumblr . com. Thanks for being awesome, Hamster! ^^_

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Descending the stairs, I do my best to brace myself for what's lying ahead of me.

I wish I could cuddle up in my bed, bar my door and never leave my room, but they'd come looking for me. They had when I tried to lock myself away at first.

I can remember it all too well, the day I woke up to find myself completely changed. I had slept in and they had let me because of the events with my mother's clone the night before.

I was feeling so dizzy, my head pulsating with a terrible headache, but I pushed myself up and crossed my room. Something felt odd about my body. When I passed the mirror, just looking at my reflection from the corner of my eyes, I thought I'd catch my usual image. But I didn't.

I froze, staring with wide eyes at the tentacles.

A scream was rumbling in my chest, and I opened my mouth, but the scream never made it past my lips. It got jammed in my throat, choking me. I gasped for air, trying desperately to fill my lungs again, but failed. I tried again, and again, and again, until I finally managed to take a shallow breath.

And then I flew, out of my room, stumbling down the stairs, leaving the house, running like hell as if I could outrun this terrible image of myself.

And when I finally sunk to my knees to catch my breath, I felt it, the brush against my back.

Hesitantly, I raised my hand, touching the back of my head. And there they were, the tentacles I had seen in the mirror. I could feel them, shaking and waving.

I shuddered. Something else rumbled in my chest now, and this time, it didn't get jammed in my throat. I buried my face in my hands and started sobbing uncontrollably.

I'm not sure if I had my kunoichi-training to thank, but I heard, no, felt someone approaching. I quickly turned my head, my vision clouded by tears, but I knew who it was.

Raph and Donnie, running to me, quickly, swiftly. But they weren't there to comfort me. Their drawn weapons, the determined look on their faces said it all. They were here to fight.

But the moment they recognized me, they hesitated, skidded to a halt even, looking at me, their eyes wide with fear and confusion. But they still had their weapons drawn supportively, unsure of what to do. And there was doubt in their eyes.

They could attack any moment, they were ready to do so.

"W-wait!" I stammered, hoping they'd recognize my voice.

"April!" Donnie called out.

"Is that you? Really you?" Raph asked. He wrinkled his forehead, his eyes piercing me.

It made sense. After this creepy Kraang-clone of my mother who even shared my mother's memories, they _had_ to be doubtful.

"It is!" I assured them.

"Prove it!" Raph said.

I bit my lip. "I can't," I mumbled because really, I couldn't. If clones shared a person's memories, how was I supposed to proof that it really was me?

"Aha!" Raph called out, raising his weapons. I thought he was about to lunge at me, tried to get ready to dodge his attack somehow, even if chances were little I could, not with my blurry vision and the tears still making my throat tight. I stared back at them, waiting for Raph's attack.

It never came. Donnie placed a hand on Raph's shoulder.

"No, Raph, she's right," he said. "She can't prove it. If she were a clone, she would have the same memories as April, but think of it logically."

Raph glared at Donnie from the corner of his eye.

"Let me explain," Donnie said quickly. "Where would a clone of April come from? There was only one person in the Kraang-ship in the basement. And even if the Kraang had cloned April more successfully - we know they've failed at that so far - how would April's clone know where we are?"

Raph narrowed his eyes, looking me over intensely.

"You have a point," he finally said and put his sai away.

Donnie nodded, and then he came closer, kneeling down in front of me, but I couldn't help to realize he was staying further away from me than he usually would. His fingers barely touched my shoulder.

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"I-I don't know."

And then I teared up again.

"I'll tell the others," I heard Raph say. "See you at the farmhouse!"

Departing footsteps followed, and Donnie and I were alone.

For something that seemed like an eternity there was silence except for my uncontrollable sobbing. And all this time Donnie was kneeling in front of me, patting my shoulder with his finger tips, until I had finally calmed down.

I wiped over my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt and drew a deep breath.

"Better now?" Donnie asked when I looked at him.

I nodded, but again, my stomach tensed up when I saw that the smile he was showing, wasn't the kind of smile he usually used when he was comforting me. It wasn't nearly as warm or calming. There was something to it, I couldn't quite name, but it made me want to cry again. Fortunately, I could fight the tears back this time and got to my feet.

And then we were on our way back to the farmhouse. Donnie was walking next to me, and I couldn't help, but realize that, again, he made sure to not get too close to these weird tentacles of mine.

When we arrived at the farmhouse, they were all gathered in the living room, waiting for us. I held my breath as I entered the room.

I had to give it to them, none of them cried out in shock, probably because Raph must have threatened them to stay calm, most certainly with hitting them really, really hard.

But their eyes, they said it all. Widened with shock, incredulousness, and, yes, fear. It made my stomach cramp up.

This happened two weeks ago.

But it still isn't any easier.

I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders.

The feeling washes over me the moment I enter the kitchen. It makes my stomach churn and my throat tight.

The shock has nearly been replaced by surprise as if they think, no, hope, that overnight I might have turned back. There's still some incredulousness left, but for the most part, it's insecureness now, paired with some uneasiness, and an ounce of fear. It is filling the room like some thick, choking smoke. It's in their eyes, their gestures, even their smiles.

I hate it.

But nonetheless, I force the corners of my mouth up, and I hope it'll do for a smile.

"Good morning, guys!" I greet in the most cheerful voice I can muster up.

"Good morning, April!" Mikey's voice is not as jolly as it used to be, but it's close, and that's all I can hope for at the moment.

It makes the air a bit more breathable.

The others reply with good mornings themselves, with smiles that seem a little forced, too, and nods.

I flop down on a chair at the table, pushing my tentacles back over the back of the chair like they were some long strands of hair, although they start wavering back almost immediately. It was worth a try, though.

I had tried to pull them into some sort of a ponytail once, but it hadn't worked. They tore apart the hair tie.

I miss my old ponytail and my headband, but these tentacles have made any hairstyle pretty useless. That's why I'm wearing my hair down now. Another thing I don't like, but it's far down on the list of things I don't like at the moment. The tentacles made it top, of course.

The others immediately scoot a bit away from me with their chairs.

I can't blame them. If it weren't for these freaky tentacles alone, it would be for the fact that I accidentally pushed Mikey's bowl of cereal to the floor with one of them the first morning I made it into the kitchen for breakfast. And Leo's cup of tea two days after that.

Yes, these tentacles are on top of the list of the things I don't like, even hate right now.

Donnie shoves a mug over to me. I take it with a mumbled thanks, inhaling the delicious smell of coffee. At least that something I don't hate right now.

"So what are you up to today?" Donnie asks.

 _Trying not to lose my sanity!_ I want to scream.

"Eating, training, the usual, I guess" I say instead, giving a little shrug to emphasize the commonness of my words.

Donnie nods.

"You?" I ask.

"Training in the woods," Donnie replies.

"Yeah, Fearless Leader commanded another turtle hunt." Raph grins.

"Yes, it's time to find out if Donnie and Mikey have finally learned to blend in," Leo says.

This explains Raph's grin. It means he'll be the hunter again.

Leo drinks the last sip of his tea and gets up to bring the empty cup to the sink. He's leaning so heavily on his cane, it makes me wonder if he'll be part of the turtle hunt. But I bite down my lip before the question can slip from my lips.

"I'll keep an eye on their progress," Leo says when he turns back from the sink, answering my unpronounced question. He smiles and this smile is not as forced as my earlier smile was, but I can see the bit of hurt in his eyes, although he's trying really hard to hide it. But I know that he hates not being able to move properly. This must be on top of his list of things he hates right now.

"You need something from the store, Red?" Casey asks. "I'm heading down later."

I have to give it to them, they're trying really hard to act normal, to pretend that nothing has happened, although it is so obvious, right here before their eyes.

But it makes the heavy air a bit thinner, it makes it easier for me to breathe.

"No, thanks, I'm good," I say.

I sound almost like my old self.

When Leo and his brothers have left for the woods and Casey for the store, I find myself alone.

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. But although the heavy atmosphere has left with them, I still don't feel like I can breathe freely.

I try again. Yes, breathing is easier now, but it's still hard.

That's the moment when I leave for the woods myself.

I make sure not to go too deep into the woods. I know the brothers are training deeper within, and I don't want to get close to them.

The tentacles have made it difficult for me to move, so I've been practically dismissed from training with them. Well, not really. No one ever told me so.

It just seemed right to train alone until I have my tentacles under control.

Which I have not, so far.

Until now I have only pushed down things, but who knows? I could accidentally strangle someone because these stupid tentacles keep acting as if they had a mind of their own.

I only shudder a bit when it strikes me that they _could_ have a mind of their own.

I quickly push this thought away. I've reached the clearing where I usually do my training. Or what is as close to training as I can manage at the moment.

Seriously, running around and doing cartwheels and climbing trees usually wouldn't be proper training for a kunoichi. But if this kunoichi has suddenly developed tentacles, it becomes a totally different story, especially if these tentacles _love_ to get in the kunoichi's way and make her stumble and fall.

I don't know for how long I've been doing my special training - yes, let's call it that -, but I realize I have scratches on my hands from falling to the ground, not to mention the state of my knees which must be quite a bit bruised under those leggings.

I try one more cartwheel, but the moment I want to place my left foot on the ground again, it gets entangled in one of the tentacles, and I step on it.

Crying out in pain I land flat on my stomach, the tentacles flailing frantically, angrily, and one of them hurting.

"See!?" I yell as I get up into a kneeling position, ignoring my knees' protest. "This is what you get for not obeying! You get hurt!"

The tentacles don't seem to care, they keep moving although they set for an easier pace now.

I let out a frustrated sigh.

 _Frustration hasn't brought you anywhere, April_ , I tell myself.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

Moving these tentacles should be as easy as moving my hand, right? I mean, they're part of my body, so that shouldn't be a difference, right?

No.

When I open my eyes after a few moments of concentrating really, really hard on making them stop, they're still moving.

With an angry growl I slam my hands into the gras.

What's this about!? I want these strange things to do what I want them to do!

I'd be able to pull them into some sort of a strange pony tail, and it would work then. With a really long-haired wig, maybe I'd even be able to hide them completely. And a cap should help with the smaller tentacles on my head. I'd be able to go to the store again. I'd look human again!

If these tentacles would finally obey.

Which they don't!

They don't!

I bury my face in my hands and start crying.

And the tentacles keep moving.

"April?"

I flinch at the sound of my name and quickly choke the rest of my tears.

I rub over my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt before I turn around. And there he is. Donnie.

He has probably seen everything, but I still don't want to cry here right in front of him. I don't even know why. It just feels...wrong this time.

"Yes, Donnie?" I try to sound normal and fail, of course, but there's nothing wrong with trying.

"I...I…" Donnie's fumbling for words. He draws a deep breath. "The others sent me to look for you. It's time for dinner."

It's only now that I realize how late it already is. The sun's about to set, and I hadn't even realized.

"Oh, I see," I say and get to my feet.

Donnie's shifting a bit uneasily, his eyes darting around, before he finally looks at me again.

"April," he says, "are you...are you okay?"

This takes me aback.

I have ugly tentacles on my head, and he asks me if I am okay!? I am far from being okay! Can't he see!?

I press my lips into a thin line, glaring at him, but this moment, something happens.

I see the uneasiness in Donnie's eyes, but what's even more important, more alarming, is that for the first time after our very first meeting, I don't see Donnie for who he is, but _what_ he is.

A giant turtle, a mutant, a freak.

For the first time, I actually get it. How insecure he must be of how people would react to him. How afraid.

I understand. Now. And I don't like it.

I wrap my arms around myself and turn my back to Donnie.

"Is this how it felt?" I ask before I can stop myself. "Is this how _you_ felt? Like...a monster?"

I try to breathe past the lump in my throat.

I hear Donnie moving closer.

And then he places his hand on my shoulder, _really_ places it there, not just his fingertips

"Not a monster," he says, his voice calm, but affirmative. "A mutant." He pauses to move even closer, totally forgetting about a safety distance - or not caring about it.

"Your mutant," he adds.

And for the first time in what feels like a century, I relax.

A warm feeling spreads in my stomach, and only now do I realize how much I've missed this.

I am so consumed by it, I barely notice that the tentacles have stopped moving.


	3. Chapter 02

_Many_ _thanks to BelatedBeliever1127 for beta-reading this chapter. *hugs*_

* * *

On our way back to the farmhouse, I realize for the first time that my tentacles are hanging almost loosely at my sides, just wavering lazily every few moments. It makes me smile even deeper.

I am so euphoric, I take Donnie's hand and give it a little squeeze.

My unexpected move makes him blush. I almost giggle, but manage to bite the giggle back just in time. Donnie has been so supportive of me today, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable now. On the contrary, I want him to feel as good as I'm feeling at the moment. And that's why I keep holding his hand until we've nearly reached the farmhouse. Then I let go reluctantly, not because I want to - I like holding his hand, really - but because I'm afraid his brothers would make fun of him or Casey could give him a hard time.

Donnie flashes me an insecure side glance, and I smile apologetically.

Then we enter the farmhouse, and the atmosphere doesn't seem as dark and the air doesn't seem as thick as before, not with this warm feeling still twirling in my stomach.

And the feeling stays there for the next days, only then it starts fading a bit, but as soon as I remember Donnie's arms around me, his calm words, it's right there again, warm and comforting.

It even helps with the nightmares. When I wake up with a start like I do every night, panting for air, but luckily not screaming like I did during the first nights, I concentrate on my memory of Donnie's arms around me and pretty soon, the warm feeling is there again and I can go back to sleep and sleep for the rest of the night without being disturbed by another nightmare.

It stays like this for a few days. Even my training is getting better during that time.

But then the feeling starts to fade again, and no matter how hard I concentrate, I can't get the feeling back. It's not so bad during the day, but at night, it gets really, really hard.

Tonight is no exception. I sit there in my bed, breathing heavily, trying to forget the dream in which the others were looking at me disgusted. I tried to talk to them, but they didn't seem to understand, just kept looking at me like with loathing and fear in their eyes.

I shake my head fiercely as if I could shake the nightmare out of my head that way and concentrate on my memory of the time when Donnie had comforted me, try to remember how his arms felt around me, how his calm voice had sounded in my ear.

It doesn't work.

With a groan I push the blanket away and get to my feet. My tentacles are moving frantically on my way to the door.

I have to do something.

I had this tiny hope that leaving my room would help, but it doesn't, of course.

Driven by the all too vivid memory of my dream I find myself stopping in front of the brothers' room.

I don't even know what I'm doing.

If one of the brothers wakes up now and leaves the room, he'll find me standing here.

I am not even sure if I want them to see me here. I wouldn't even know what to say. But somehow, I can't move. I just stand there, staring at the door.

And then it opens and Donnie leaves the room.

 _Donnie…_

I can't help, but feel relieved. And I realize that although I wasn't sure if I wanted the others to find me, I was totally okay with Donnie finding me. Actually, I think I _wanted_ him to find me.

His eyes widen and he frowns, swiftly closing the door without making a sound. Then he turns back to me.

"April?" he asks, and he's whispering so silently, I don't really hear him, but rather read his lips.

"I can't sleep," I reply just as silently.

Donnie nods.

And then he places a hand on my shoulder, slightly just, but firm nonetheless amd he shoves me towards the staircase, and moments later, we are seated on the couch.

Donnie doesn't look at me, he stares down at his hands, folded in his lap.

This behavior stands so much in contrast of his bold move some days ago. But on the other hand, I've underwent this with him before. It shouldn't be a surprise any longer, but it is.

The minutes pass and Donnie starts shooting me some side glances.

I don't see at first because we haven't bothered to turn on the lights. But as more time passes, it is clear.

I sigh, and Donnie immediately turns his head to me expectantly, obviously interpreting this as a sign I am going to start talking.

But I don't feel like talking. Heck, I am not even sure what I exactly I feel like. All I know is that I want this warm feeling to come back. And there's only one thing I can think of that could bring it back.

My tentacles are waving a bit, but I push them out of the way, not caring that they might move back immediately. Then I lay my hand on his hands and entangle his fingers really slowly. Donnie looks at me surprised, but he lets me do as I like. Then I grab his wrist and place his arm around my shoulders.

Donnie stiffens a little, but I ignore it. I need this now. I need his arm around my shoulder. I need _Donnie_ close to me.

My tentacles are moving slower and slower, and when I rest my head on his shoulder, they stop moving completely.

And almost immediately I drift off to sleep.

I am awoken by a gentle hand on my shoulder and the most silent whisper of my name.

I lazily open my eyes. Donnie's looking right at me and nods towards the window. I follow his beckon and realize it's almost sunrise.

I nod and we get up, sneaking back into our rooms without almost any sound.

I have to admit, the _almost_ is my fault because I forget about the one creaking flooring board on the third stair from the top. But I quickly shift my weight back on my other foot, so it's just the tiniest noise.

It still annoys me, though. I am almost a kunoichi, this shouldn't have happened.

There it is again, this word. Almost. I bite my lip.

Then I mouth a good night to Donnie and retreat into my room.

And this time, it is completely without a sound.

And with a smile I crawl under the blanket.

It's only then that I realize that while with Donnie, I didn't have any nightmares.

The nightmares come back the next night, though. And again, I find myself in front of the brothers' room. And again, Donnie leaves the room, only he doesn't frown this time or ask any questions. It's almost as if we had agreed on this during dinner.

Silently, we move to the living room again - I do remember the creaking flooring board this time - and we position ourselves on the couch. A bit hesitantly, Donnie wraps his arm around my shoulder.

I lower my head and fall asleep as soon as my cheek touches his shoulder.

We keep doing this every night. At some point during the night, I wake up. I am not even awoken by nightmares any longer, I just wake up because I know it's time to meet Donnie. And then I wait in front of their room. Sometimes he's even waiting for me already.

At some point, we agree on lying down on the couch instead of sitting there. Well, we don't really agree, we just do it. My neck was already hurting and so must have been Donnie's.

It's a challenge in a way because the couch is a bit small for two people, especially when one of these people has a shell and the other tentacles, but we manage. Donnie positions himself with his carapace against the backrest and then I lie down facing him. He wraps his arms around me tightly, making sure that I don't fall to the floor and then we go to sleep.

The thought of moving to my bed crosses my mind a few times, but it just doesn't feel right to invite Donnie, especially Donnie, to my room - and bed. So we squeeze ourselves on the couch every night. It works just fine.

Before sunrise we wake up and move back to our rooms. Like clockwork, really. We couldn't have planned it any better.

We never talk about it during the day, it almost feels like a dream sometimes. But it's a dream that keeps the nightmares away.

I don't know how much the others know although I'm sure that the brothers must have realized by now that Donnie is leaving their room every night. They are ninjas after all. But they never say anything about it and I have no idea what they think of this or what they imagine what we are doing, and really, I couldn't care less. As long as Donnie is fine with it, I want him to keep my nightmares at bay.

Casey, of course, is a totally different matter. And I am sure that he doesn't know anything. Otherwise he would be more clingy and make sure I give him enough attention.

Well, that's what he would have done before the tentacles-incident. He's still a bit wary although he tries not to show it. He treats me like a friend, but he's stopped flirting with me completely. And I don't know if it's because he's lost interest in me and only sees me as a friend now or if it's because he isn't sure how to act around me yet.

But I have so much on my plate already, I don't give it too much thought.

Besides, it's Donnie I want to be close to me right now, not Casey. And Donnie's doing a good job, even though maybe he doesn't even know.

Getting enough sleep makes me feel so much better. Even Leo realizes and visits me one day during my training.

My tentacles don't obey as they should, but I manage to keep them out of my way while I'm climbing trees and doing cartwheels, so that's a _huge_ progress.

Leo smiles at me when I'm done.

"Looks like you're finally getting the hang of it, April," he says.

"Thanks," I reply, brushing a tentacle away as if it were a random strand of hair that's accidentally blocking my sight.

"If you're okay with it, you can join me and the rest of us for training tomorrow."

I inhale sharply, my eyes widening in surprise.

"Th-thank you!" I stammer. "I'm totally okay with it!"

Leo's smile deepens and then he leaves, leaning heavily onto his cane which makes me just wonder a little what training would look like for him tomorrow. But it is quickly pushed aside by the Leo's words still ringing in my ears.

Grinning like an idiot I lean against a tree.

Leo believes I'm ready to join them again. Leo thinks I am enough in control of my tentacles to fight.

I can't help, but giggle a little.

This night, I am so euphoric, I'm quite sure sleep won't come my way.

 _Leo thinks I'm ready!_ is playing over and over in my head, like a song on repeat. A good song, though.

More out of reflex I sit up after two hours of staring at the ceiling. It's time to meet Donnie.

I know that I don't really need to meet him tonight, because I won't sleep anyway and even if I would, I am too happy that nightmares would even dare to come near me, but I rise nonetheless.

It has become a habit to meet every night, to sleep on the couch together, and I somehow have the feeling that Donnie is looking forward to it. And maybe, just maybe, I have too. He's been so supportive, so nice, I don't want to let him down just because I'm feeling better.

So I get to my feet to meet with my mutant - and freeze as the words hit me.

 _My mutant. Mutant._

Yes, that's what he is. Donnie is a mutant, but what does this make me?

My stomach cramps with the realization and I feel like I'm going to be sick.

I had been so preoccupied with the warm feeling Donnie's hugs were giving me, I was so preoccupied with feeling okay again, I had completely forgotten to think about the all too obvious, the all too visible - that I am not like the others. No mutant, no human. I don't even have the slightest idea _what_ I am.

That's lie. I do have an idea, but I refuse to think about it. It's too intimidating, too terrible to think.

I simply flee out of the room, only pause in the hallway for a second to look for Donnie, and there he is, waiting for me. I practically slam into him.

Donnie lets out a silent breath caused by the impact and takes a step backwards, but he quickly and swiftly balances it out.

I am not sure if the others have woken because of the sounds. There's no movement in the rooms though, so I guess we are in the clear. And even if they've realized, I couldn't care less.

I fling my arms around Donnie's neck so tightly that I have to raise myself on tiptoes, pressing myself against him as if the closer I get to him the more I can forget about these terrible thoughts, about the fear.

"April, what's wrong?" he whispers.

But instead of answering I just cling to him even tighter.

He just wraps his arms around me, lifts me up and carries me downstairs and into the living room.

He climbs on the couch and lies down, and because I'm still clinging to him, I just follow along.

So we're lying there, me pressing against Donnie to get as much comfort out of this as possible, and Donnie holding me and rubbing my back gently.

I know I should feel bad because again, I am just using Donnie's kindness to feel better, but I am so afraid, I really can't give it much thought.

I try to breathe calmly, but every now and then I draw a sharp breath when the choking feeling in my throat gets too strong.

Contrary to my expectations, I fall asleep after a while.

It's a mistake.

As soon as the barriers of the real world fall and I enter the dream world where everything is possible and no laws of nature exist, I find myself floating in the air, surrounded by dark, purple-ish fog. And then there they are, big yellow eyes, watching me with a penetrating gaze.

I try to get away, but it's of no use. No matter how much I move, kick the air, wave my arms, I just keep floating there in front of the intimidating eyes. So I give up after a while.

"Kraang!"

I know that voice. It's Kraang Prime, the hideous, alien face materializes in front of me, the big, yellow eyes turn out to be Kraang Prime's.

"Kraang!" Kraang Prime repeats. "Kraang came all this way for you, April O'Neil!"

And then the tentacles shoot out of the darkness, grabbing me and every part of my body they touch starts burning like hell. I feel like I am on fire. It hurts. A lot.

I start screaming and screaming as the tentacles coil themselves around my body, covering more and more of me, causing more and more pain. I scream even louder.

And screaming is what I hear when I wake up.

But it's not me who's screaming.

It's Donnie.


	4. Chapter 03

_Again, many, many thanks to my awesome beta-reader BelatedBeliever1127! ^^_

* * *

When my vision clears, I find myself kneeling on the floor in front of the couch. I must have fallen down during my nightmare. I wonder for a second why Donnie had let go of me, but his screams quickly bring me back to reality.

He's lying on the couch on his carapace. His eyes are shut and he would seem asleep - if he weren't screaming.

My tentacles are wrapped around his arms and legs. I am surprised that he didn't wake up and free himself. He's a ninja; he should be able to do that!

But instead he's just lying there, squirming a bit in the grip of my tentacles. And screaming, screaming like he is in pain.

"Donnie!" I cry out and move closer. "Wake up! You're just dreaming. Wake up!"

I place my hands on his shoulders and shake him, but it doesn't help.

"Wake up!" I am desperate now. "Donnie!"

I try to move my tentacles away from him, make them loosen their grip, but as always, they don't obey.

I move my hands to one of the tentacles around Donnie's arm, trying to force it open. It's of no use.

The tentacle stays wrapped around Donnie's arm.

"April?"

I turn my head and see Leo and the others standing in the doorway of the living room, looking unsure at the picture before them.

"Leo, help!" I cry out. "Donnie won't wake up and I can't remove my tentacles!"

Raph is the first to move. He rushes over to Donnie, gripping one of the tentacles and trying to open it with force. I inhale sharply as his rough handling sends a wave of pain from the tentacle through my body.

Raph stops immediately when I wince.

"No, go on!" I say. "You have to open them. Now!"

"But what if they don't…"

"Then cut them off!"

Raph takes a step backwards, his eyes widening, but then he nods, focusing on my tentacle again. The others follow his lead.

It still takes both Mikey's and Raph's combined strength to open one tentacle. Leo and Casey are at my side, holding the already opened tentacles down, so they won't move back, and Leo whispers calming words whenever Raph's and Mikey's actions make me flinch in pain.

As soon as they're done, I look at Donnie. He has stopped screaming, but he's still not awake.

"Donnie…" I say, but he doesn't wake up.

"Donnie!" I cry out, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him, but still, no reaction.

I jump to my feet and rush out of the room. Leo and Casey let go of my tentacles just in time or I swear I would have dragged them with me.

I flee to my room and the door with a dresser, just in case. I know that it wouldn't hold the brothers off if they really wanted to get inside, they are well-trained ninjas. Besides, there's always the window, too.

But I needed to get some sort of a thicker barrier than just the closed door between them and me.

Then I sink to the ground in the middle of the room, as far away from the door and the window as possible, bury my face in my hands and start crying.

I don't know how much time passes, but at some point I hear approaching footsteps.

I quickly take a deep breath to fight the tears back. It leaves a choking feeling in my throat, but it works.

There's a hesitant knock on the door.

I don't even need to guess who it can be.

Raph's probably too angry because I have accidentally done something to his brother.

Leo's steps would sound different. Plus, he most certainly refuses to leave Donnie right now. Or an angry Raph. Or both.

And Casey still doesn't know how to act around me.

"April?" asks Mikey.

The door knob is turned slowly.

"Don't come in!" I call out quickly, and the door knob rattles back in place.

A few moments pass in silence.

"April?" Mikey's voice has a ring of uneasiness, of desperation to it.

"How...how's Donnie?" I finally ask.

Mikey hesitates.

"Still not awake," he replies finally.

"Let me know when he's awake," I say. "I am not interested in anything else."

"April…" Another turn of the door knob.

"Go away!"

The door knob rattles back in place again, and I hear departing footsteps.

I can only wonder for a short moment why Mikey gave in so quickly before the tears come back.

Again, time passes, until I hear appraoching footsteps again.

"April, I brought you some food," Mikey says, but this time he doesn't even try to open the door.

"Donnie?" I ask.

"Still not awake."

Some moments of silence.

"April, the food…"

"I'm not hungry!" I yell.

"Okay, I'll leave it here on the floor then. Take it whenever you feel like it."

I hear the creaking of leather and a dull sound, but no retreating footsteps.

"Go away!" I command, and only then, Mikey leaves.

We play this game every day a few times from then on. Mikey brings me some food, tells me that Donnie is still not awake, leaves the food at the door, picks up the untouched plate from before and leaves again.

I don't do much, lie on the floor or the bed, try to sleep, take a sip from the water bottle I keep in the room, but that's pretty much it.

After two days, the air in the room is so stuffy, I have to open the window.

The fresh air doesn't really make me feel better, but it makes the headache a bit more bearable.

I lie down on the bed again, leaving the window open. I know this would make the room even more stuffy around midday, it is pretty warm already, but I don't really care. I'll be sweating, so what?

The window stays open from now on. And after one more day, Mikey picks up another habit.

He throws my food into the room through the open window - apples, a lunchbox with sandwiches, cereal bars, a plastic bottle of water.

The food is scattered on the floor, and every now and then I pick something up and eat it. I don't do it out of hunger - although I am starving -, but it's more because I lack possibilities of something else to do.

Eating, sleeping, pacing up and down the room, hearing that Donnie's still not awake - that's my daily routine for a week.

Then, one night, I feel like I can't breathe any longer. Maybe it's because I've been in this room for a week, locked away from the outside world - that _I_ locked myself away doesn't make it any easier. There's this big lump in my throat and tonight it feels like the air in my room can't make it past this lump properly. I take deep breaths and even deeper breaths, but I can't get rid of it.

I stumble over to the open window and lean outside, hoping that some fresh air might help. But it's summer and still warm outside after a very hot day, so the air isn't that refreshing.

I slam my hands on the window sill with a frustrated groan, move back inside, slump to the floor. I hug my knees and lean my back against the wall.

And then I hear it. A swooshing noise, silent at first, but then getting louder and louder, until I feel something cold and wet dropping on my neck and running down my spine, and I realize it's raining.

I can't get back to my feet fast enough and lean outside as wide as I can, letting the rain wash over my face and drench my clothes. It feels so good.

I take deep gulps of the now so refreshing air.

My tentacles are waving slowly in the darkness, and I can't help but think that to someone looking up to the window I might look like some sort of Medusa.

It makes me giggle a bit.

Miss Medusa April.

After a while I feel so much better, but when the rain lessens, it still saddens me a bit - because it's the moment when I can't concentrate on the cold, refreshing rain any longer. It's the moment when all that has happened comes to the fore again.

I bite down my lip.

I still don't have my tentacles under control, I still have done something to Donnie, and - most important of all - Donnie still hasn't woken up.

"You have to wake up, Donnie," I whisper as I squeeze my eyes shut. "Please wake up, Donnie!"

I listen into the house for any movements, for some sign that tells me that my wish came true, but there isn't any.

I open my eyes and let out a sigh.

I feel a tension run through my body, and ball my hands into fists.

"Wake up, Donnie!" I yell into the night.

Again, I listen for some signs, and again, I'm disappointed.

I slam my fists on the window sill with an angry cry, kick the wall with my foot, but it doesn't make me feel any better. On the contrary, now my toe hurts from hitting the wall.

With a groan, I jump over to the bed on my good leg and lie down.

I stare into darkness, angry and frustrated and so done with everything. I'm pretty sure sleep won't come my way anytime soon.

I am sure, so completely sure, I even close my eyes because I'm bored by the look of the dark room.

I open my eyes to the sound of a knock on my door and sit up. I realize it's already a bright day, the sun's shining into the room through the open window.

"What is it?" I ask, rubbing the sleep that seemed to have found me nonetheless out of my eyes.

"You're awake?" The surprise in his voice startles me.

"Of course I am," I reply.

"Oh, thank goodness! I tried to wake you up, like, five times. I was about to kick down the door." Mikey lets out a long breath. "Oh, by the way, Leo's here, too," he adds.

"Hi April," Leo says.

My frown deepens.

Not only had I slept which I thought would have been impossible, no, I had slept so soundly that I hadn't even heard Mikey's knocks. And obviously something is wrong if Mikey had been so persistent to even knock down the door if he had to - which is an un-Mikey thing to do. Plus, Leo's here, too.

This is wronger than wrong.

"What happened?" I ask.

I swear I can _hear_ them bite down their lips.

"...It's Donnie," Leo finally says. "He's awake."

I'm at the door and about to move the dresser to the side, but Leo's next sentence makes me freeze.

"But he's acting weird."

"What do you mean?" I ask, having to force each word out, because my tongue suddenly feels very, very heavy and thick.

"Well…" Leo starts, but Mikey interrupts.

"Actually, he's not acting at all," he cuts in, his voice shriller than usual. "He's just sitting there, staring into space and not reacting to anything. Somehow...somehow hollow."

I take a step back. Getting out of this room suddenly feels so much less appealing.

"I see," I say.

I hear them shifting a bit.

"April, do you think you can go see Donnie?" Leo asks.

I swallow. Go outside, leave this room, face the others, face Donnie? No, face a _hollow_ Donnie?

"April, please!" Mikey begs. "Just...just try it, okay? We tried everything, but nothing works, so please?"

I swallow again.

"You can go right back to your room afterwards. We won't hold you back," Leo assures me. "I promise."

I let out the breathe I had been holding in a long sigh.

"Okay."

My voice is barely hearable, stifled by the lump in my throat.

But they hear me nonetheless. They always do.

"Thanks, April!" Mikey calls out.

I move the dresser to the side wide enough so I can open the door and step outside.

Mikey greets me with a smile. It's one of his big smiles when he shows his perfect white teeth, but I recognize that his eyes still seem sad. Same goes for Leo and his little smile.

I force the ends of my mouth up as a reply.

Then I descend the stairs. Mikey's right behind me, but Leo takes a little longer to come down the stairs with his cane and battered leg, but I don't wait for him. Waiting would give me time to think, and thinking really isn't a good idea right now. So I quickly enter the living room.

My eyes fall on Donnie sitting on the couch. And I get a feeling what Mikey meant by "hollow" right away. Donnie's sitting upright, too upright even, staring into space, his face seems dull, emotionless, dead. He's breathing, I realize that immediately, but it doesn't seem like he should.

When I walk over to Donnie, I see Raph staring at me with an angry frown from the corner of my eye.

For a second there, I think of stopping and apologizing to Raph, telling him that what I did to Donnie was an accident. But I think he knows already. He just can't forgive someone who has hurt his family, accidentally or not. Also, it would just make me procrastinate the task ahead. And this is facing Donnie.

Donnie wouldn't react to me either, and I would have to realize that I can't do anything for him. I would just flee back to my room then and lock myself away. It's perfectly played out in my head. This way, I won't be too disappointed.

I kneel down in front of Donnie, looking into his eyes, his strange, unfocused eyes, lacking all the warmth, the kindness, the genius, Donnie's eyes used to have.

I just look at him, smiling, wanting him to return my gaze. He doesn't even look at me.

I feel the tears prickle in my eyes, but blink them away rapidly. I can cry back in my room where I am going to be in a few moments anyway.

Insecurely, I turn my head to face Leo and Mikey standing in the doorway. They don't seem any more secure about this than me, because all I get in return are forced smiles.

I don't even dare to look back at Raph. I know what's waiting for me there - anger, stubbornness, accusation, hurt.

I turn back to Donnie.

I scan his face for any sign that he knows I'm there, but can't find any.

I bite down my lip, and then I just abandon myself to an impulse and cup Donnie's face with my hands, tilt his head a bit, so that his dead eyes look right at me.

I hope for a flicker of light, a blink, _something_.

I'm left disappointed.

I suppress the urge to break into tears right there.

"Donnie," I whisper.

Again, no reaction.

I move my face closer to him, simply pierce his eyes with my gaze.

Nothing.

I let go of Donnie's face and lean back a little just a few inches.

I feel my heart drop to my stomach, I feel the disappointment, the fear.

What if Donnie doesn't come back to us? To me? What if he stays that way?

No, he can't. He must not. He has to wake up.

That I don't know how to wake him makes me angry. And if the disappointment and fear have made my tentacles waver a bit, the anger makes them move rapidly.

I don't care. I don't care when they brush over Donnie's face, I don't care when I hear Raph inhale sharply when they do.

All I care about is Donnie waking up.

It doesn't look like he would. Ever.

Suddenly I feel very, very tired and I slump down a bit, increasing the distance between Donnie and me a bit more.

 _Please wake up, Donnie_ , is all I can think when I close my eyes to fight the tears back. _Please wake up!_

All of a sudden I hear Mikey yelp in surprise, and Leo gasp, but before I can open my eyes and look what is going on, I feel something on my cheeks, something big and warm and comforting, and my eyes snap open.

Donnie has leaned forward and cupped my face with his hands. And he's looking into my eyes. He's looking at me! And his gaze is warm and friendly.

"You're okay!" he says.

I fling my arms around his neck and hug him tightly.

"'Course I am," I mumble.

There's a moment of hesitation before Donnie hugs me back, wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his face in my hair.

It's only then that I realize that I haven't showered in a week and accept for the rain last night I haven't been touched by any water. I can only imagine how greasy my hair must be, not to mention how sweaty I am.

I sniffle a bit, and yes, I stink.

I try to pull away a little, but Donnie replies by pressing me closer to him.

With a smile, I let him have his way.

If Donnie doesn't care that I stink, why should I?


	5. Chapter 04

_Thanks to my beta, BelatedBeliever1127, for her awesome work. ^^_

* * *

Donnie doesn't let go of me for what feels like an eternity, but then Mikey can't hold back any longer and flops himself onto Donnie, hugging as much of him as he can reach and isn't covered by me. That's when the moment is broken, gone forever, and Donnie reluctantly lets go of me with one arm and hugs Mikey back with this arm.

I pull back a little, and when Leo approaches, I wrestle myself free completely.

Donnie shoots me a questioning look. I just smile apologetically.

When I stand up, Leo gives his brother a quick hug.

But Leo isn't the reason I decided to leave the warm embrace. It's Raph. I know he wouldn't dare to get close to his brothers as long as I or rather my tentacles are in reach.

When I leave the room I can see from the corner of my eye how Raph first watches me cautiously and then walks over to his brothers.

I can't help, but smile a little at this.

In the hall I find Casey leaning against the wall casually with his arms crossed over his chest.

"So you brought D back, huh, Red?" he asks with a smirk.

I frown at his behavior.

"I think I did," I say.

"Well done, Red." His smirk deepens.

I twist my mouth a little. This behavior reminds me of the time when he was flirting with me - the time before I turned into a tentacle-wielding half-Kraang.

"Thanks," I reply.

"So," he goes on, "does this mean you're back for good now?"

I shrug. "Guess so."

He's grinning now, and although I am not completely sure what to make of this, I feel the corners of my mouth go up into a smile.

"Good," Casey says and pushes himself off the wall. "Then I'll better greet Donnie now."

I just nod.

When Casey passes me, I can't help, but realize that it is closer than he usually does.

When he's gone, I remember that I wanted to take a shower.

And a moment later I climb the stairs.

When I strip off my clothes in the bathroom, I realize how filthy they are. I comb through my hair with my fingers - and regret it immediately. I don't even know if my hair has ever been that greasy before.

I nearly jump into the shower and turn on the water. My tentacles twitch a bit when the water touches them.

I close my eyes and concentrate on the warm water running down my body. It feels so good!

My tensed muscles start to relax. For a moment longer I just stand there, savoring this feeling. Then I reach for the soap and wash off the dirt from the time in the exile of my room.

When I step out of the shower, all clean and warm and absolutely sure I had used up all the hot water, I let out a satisfied sigh.

I feel so good, so like myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

I towel me down and wrap me into the warm, damp towel.

I step over the pile of dirty clothes on the floor. Now that I am clean, I really don't want to touch them. I can take care of them later.

On my way to the door I stop at the bathroom mirror, wipe off the damp with my hand and look at my reflection. Yes, there still are these weird tentacles, but there's my face too. And my face looks like it always has. If I concentrate on my face, I can forget or oversee these tentacles. When I concentrate really, really hard, I can be the old April again. I just have to ignore this new part of me, and everything should be easier.

My tentacles start wavering again although they had just hung loosely on my sides before. I don't care. Ignoring them, that's the plan.

And with that I open the door and wander over to my room with bare feet, my body wrapped in a towel.

The thought of the state of my room crosses my mind for a second. "Dumping ground" would be a more appropriate description, I guess. But maybe I can jump over all the piles of trash and make it to my cupboard with rather clean feet. Really, I want this feeling of being clean and warm and cozy last as long as possible.

I brace myself for an obstacle course when I open the door to my room - and find it all cleaned up.

My jaw drops. How long exactly had I been gone? I take a step back and look up and down the hallway, counting the doors. No, this really is my room.

With wide eyes I step inside, and my eyes grow even wider when I realize someone had placed clean pajamas on my freshly made bed.

The warm and cozy feeling deepens when I close the door and walk over to my bed.

I wonder who of the brothers had been able to detach himself long enough from Donnie to clean up my room. I can only think of one.

And this makes the warm feeling reach my face and turns my mouth into a smile.

For a moment, I think of joining the brothers and Casey in the living room and thank Mikey right now. But my room is so clean and nice and I feel so comfortable and the air has just the right temperature, not too warm, not too cold - okay, it's summer, so "too cold" really isn't an option, but still.

All in all, I feel okay, I feel good, I feel _right_.

So I just change into my pyjamas and lie down on my bed and relax. I feel like myself again, almost, if it weren't for these creepy tentacles that sway a bit. But I can ignore that. When I close my eyes, they're nearly gone, and I can blend out the fact that they are moving.

I wake up the next morning, and for a moment in this state between sleep and wake, I think it has all been a bad dream. I open my eyes with a smile, but the smile freezes when a tentacle nearly brushes over my face. I take a deep breath and force the smile back on my face. It's just some tentacles, nothing too bad. Just ignore them. I concentrate on the warm feeling that's still there deep inside my stomach.

My tentacles keep moving, though, but I act like I don't care, put on my slippers and leave my room.

The others are already gathered in the kitchen, having breakfast, and it's so good to see them all together here - Mikey and Leo and Raph and Casey and, most importantly, _Donnie_ \- the smile on my face deepens.

Mikey looks at me, and his eyes sparkle.

"Heh, someone's in a good mood today!" he says with a grin.

"Well, of course!" I reply. "How wouldn't I be after spending a night in a super-clean room?"

"That's the spirit!" Mikey says, pointing at me with his spoon before he goes back to eating his bowl of cereal.

I shake my head at this with a small laugh before I help myself to a cup of coffee.

I slump down on a chair next to Mikey and notice with some content that the others don't move away to give my wavering tentacles some room - which might be because my tentacles are hanging loosely at my sides now.

I almost grin when I take my first sip of coffee.

"Well, I wonder if some fairy hovered into my room yesterday and cleaned it up," I say into Mikey's direction.

I am not even sure why I'm doing this. I'm usually not someone to tease others, especially if this someone is Mikey, but I guess that I missed the squabbling and friendly teasing on the table between the brothers so much that I just couldn't resist.

He stops eating and frowns. "I guess that's possible," he says after a moment of thinking. "Fairies live in the woods, right? Because they like trees and flowers and grass. So if you left the window open, that's totally possible."

I blink a few times. Did Mikey just take my little joke seriously? I had expected he'd protest and tell me that it had been him. Or tell me that yes, fairies were a possibility and we should try this some time, but that this time, it had been him and him alone, and that I would thank him and he would give one of his super-sweet mega-grins.

But this went down like a lead balloon.

"Wait," I say. "Didn't _you_ clean up my room yesterday?"

Now it's Mikey turn to blink. "Uhm, nooooo…"

"But who…?"

I let my eyes wander over the room, and that's when I catch Raph dropping his gaze for a split-second.

"Fairies!" Mikey calls out. "I'm telling you, it was fairies!"

I keep my eyes fixed on Raph for a moment, before I turn back to Mikey.

"I guess you're right," I say with a smile.

From the corner of my eye I can see Raph shift a bit uneasily in his seat.

For the next twenty minutes, Mikey keeps talking about fairies, the different kinds of fairies, that there isn't a pizza fairy and how awesome that would be.

None of us interrupts him, we just smile and nod - or in Raph's case, concentrate on eating.

I like the sound of Mikey's babbling, his giggles every now and then and the glow in his eyes, his elation.

And I guess it's the same for the others or otherwise someone would have stopped Mikey's fairy-monologue a long time ago.

Maybe this babbling and this childish joy is what we need after this week of darkness, this week of Donnie acting like he were…

I quickly push this thought away, but it still sends a shudder through my body. Even my tentacles shake a bit, but it is gone before it has really started, so I don't pay much attention to it.

The others don't even seem to notice.

At least that's what I think when I let my eyes wander over them. Mikey's babbling like before - his topic now is that he has to check the neighborhood for fairies later because they might still be around after cleaning my room -, Leo's drinking his tea and nodding to Mikey every now and then, Casey's reading a very old comic book because we lack newspapers and their even more important sports sections here, Raph's eating his cereal with his eyes glued on the bowl, and Donnie, he's looking at me with a little frown. This sends a cold shiver down my spine and back up where the cold clutches my heart. But it also freezes my smile which is a good thing. It keeps the smile plastered to my face although I feel anything but smiling.

What is Donnie doing? He should be drinking his coffee and shake his head a little when Mikey's monologue on fairies gets too ridiculous. But most importantly, he should be smiling.

But he's frowning. And he's looking at me.

This doesn't feel right. I want Donnie to smile again.

I force the corners of my mouth even more up, and Donnie replies with the tiniest smile himself, but the frown stays on his forehead, even when he moves his gaze back to Mikey.

The cold grip on my heart tightens. I'm doing my best to keep the smile on my face when there's suddenly a lump in my throat which makes smiling - and breathing - a bit difficult.

But when my tentacles start moving again, I know it's time to get up. I quickly finish my coffee.

"Well, I need some fresh air," I say as I stand and walk to the door..

"Watch out for fairies!" Mikey calls after me.

I am in such a hurry right now, I don't reply, but I can hear Raph groan at Mikey's comment.

This makes breathing around the lump in my throat a bit easier, but I still can't get out quickly enough without making it look suspicious.

Out on the porch, I take a deep breath. The lump fades and breathing gets easier.

But the cold around my heart is still there.

I can't get the look on Donnie's face out of my head, the sad, questioning look in his eyes, the frown.

Why did he frown? What does he think? What does he know? What does he _remember_?

I haven't talked to Donnie about his time of "absence" and I'm not sure if I want to. No, I'm sure I _don't_ want to.

The thought of what my tentacles could have done to him, what _I_ could have done to him, makes me shudder and cuts off my breath.

I don't want to know!

I want to keep thinking that he had just been asleep, asleep in a sitting position and with his eyes open, but still asleep. I don't want to think that he had seen something or that he had had bad dreams - although my brain has some problems to push away the fact that he had been screaming when my tentacles had been wrapped around him, but it manages, somehow. I like to think that it had all been warm and cozy darkness for Donnie. I know it's wrong, but it's so much easier to bear than the truth.

I wipe over my forehead with the back of my hand, taking another deep breath. I concentrate my thoughts on Mikey, his smile, his sparkling eyes, his fairy-expertise, and slowly the lump in my throat fades away as does the cold around my heart. And when I call Mikey's words about the pizza fairy to mind, I can't help, but chuckle a bit.

One more deep breath, and I walk back inside. I want to go to my room and change into my casual clothes which I am pretty sure my "fairy" has washed. But before I reach the staircase, Raph leaves the kitchen and crosses my path.

He's on his way to the living room, but I am pretty sure he did that on purpose. He wanted to check if I were okay, I presume. It's such a Raph-thing to do to appear in time to meet someone, to check on someone and make it look like it were just a coincidence.

He seems to approve of my condition because he keeps walking.

I use the chance of meeting him alone and say, just loud enough for him to hear, "Thanks."

Raph stops and looks back at me.

"What for?" he asks.

I can't really thank him for cleaning my room because I know this wasn't just about the cleaning. When Raph does such things, there's a deeper meaning to them. In my case, it means that Raph has forgiven me for what I accidentally did to Donnie. I realize that he still tries to keep a distance, just in case, but he's starting to trust me again.

That's what I really want to thank him for, but I can't. I can't even mention the cleaning. It would embarrass him.

So all I say is, "You know what for." I smile at him.

Raph just shrugs and continues his path.

That's the closest of a confession I will ever get from him.

When I turn to climb the stairs, Donnie leaves the kitchen, too.

Our eyes meet, and I realize there's still this little frown wrinkling his forehead. It's enough to bring the lump back to my throat.

Donnie opens his mouth, about to say something, but I act as if I haven't noticed and swiftly climb the stairs.


	6. Chapter 05

_As always, many, many thanks to my beta BelatedBeliever1127. :)_

* * *

he next days consist of avoiding Donnie. I don't dare to talk to him, too afraid of what he might say.

It is more difficult than I thought, especially when the nightmares come back.

The guys steered clear of me during my "exile" in my room. I guess I was too worried about Donnie, so the nightmares just didn't make it through the cloud of worries that was fogging my brain. But now the fog is gone, and the nightmares have returned.

Well, not the first night, of course. I was too happy, feeling too much like myself the first night after Donnie's return, so the nightmares couldn't reach me then. But the second night, they're back, more powerful, more frightening, and I wake up with a start after only one hour of sleep.

Immediately, I long for Donnie's arms around me, the feeling he gives me, but that's out of the question. So I just lie awake for the rest of the night.

It's the same the next night.

On the third night, I change my tactics. Lying around in a dark room doesn't really help, so maybe some fresh air would.

So I get up, tiptoe through the dark house and slip out through the front door.

I smirk a bit, really proud that I didn't make any noise. At least, none of the brothers seems to have woken up. Or maybe they have and just let me be. Either way, I am alone as I walk over to the swing.

For a second, the thought that Donnie could have woken up and come after me crosses my mind, but when I sit down on the swing, facing the farmhouse, I realize that I would be able to see him first. And then I could go back inside, mumble something about having needed some fresh air and being really, really tired before fleeing back to my room.

That's a good plan, and I relax a bit, as I swing lazily back and forth.

I love swings in general, but this swing is special. When I concentrate, I can remember in detail how my mom and dad used to spend the Sunday afternoons on the porch, drinking tea, while I was sitting on this swing, singing some silly children's songs. And sometimes they joined me here, the three of us together on a swing, my father pointing to some birds and naming them and my mom smiling.

It was a good time back then, a peaceful time, a time when we still were a family, a normal family. A human family.

Now my father has been mutated for the second time, I have turned into a half-Kraang, and my mom, well, I don't know about my mother. She could still be alive. And what I thought was my mother has turned out to be a Kraang clone.

We are far from being a normal family now. Too far.

I shake my head fiercely to get this thought out of my head. Then I take a deep breath and close my eyes, concentrating on the good times, the good times with mom and dad, the good times here at the farmhouse.

It works. I can feel my body relax again, my shaking tentacles becoming limp again.

So I just sit there, remembering good old times, but I don't dare to go back into the farmhouse. It feels better out here. My room is too nightmare-burdened, the living room too heavy with the remembrance of a hollow Donnie sitting on the couch, and the kitchen reminds me too much of Donnie's frown.

So the swing it is, then. It's nice here.

I stay until it's close to dawn. Then I get up and sneak back into the farmhouse and my room, lie down on my bed and wait until the brothers and Casey get up.

It's my routine for the following nights, and after a few days it's starting to show. I haven't been at my very best before the whole Donnie-incident, so not much sleep-deprivation is needed before I start walking around as some sort of a zombie.

Around that time I start falling asleep in the most uncommon places. I fall asleep at the kitchen table, on the couch, when I lean against the wall, waiting for the bathroom to become available. I once even fall from the swing when sleep overwhelmed me. The small bruise on my cheek makes the others frown at me during breakfast, but they don't ask, and so I don't say anything.

The following night I only sleep for half an hour before a nightmare wakes me up again.

As always, I sneak out of the farmhouse and take up my post on the swing.

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, trying to get the remains of the nightmare out of my head. I don't really remember what it was about, only that I was afraid, so very afraid.

So, I don't really want to remember what exactly has happened in that dream - although I have a few ideas. None of them pleasant. But there's no use in thinking about it. I concentrate on positive things, on good times, and finally, the nightmare seems to have disappeared completely.

I open my eyes again and look over to the farmhouse.

The front door opens, and I tense up, but I relax immediately when I recognize Casey leaving the farmhouse. He doesn't look around, but walks straight to me.

I frown at this.

"Hi there, Red!" he says casually when he has reached me. "Mind some company?"

I shrug. "I guess not."

"Good." He grins and sits down next to me.

We are sitting there in silence, both facing the farmhouse, and I remember this one time when we have been sitting here just like this - the night when I still thought my mom was my mom and that she would leave the next day, no matter if I joined her or not. I was feeling so bad. I had missed my mom so much, I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want her to leave _me_.

But there were my friends, my new family, too. And I didn't want to leave them.

I was so torn, I didn't know what to do. So I went to my favorite place around here, this swing. And just like now, Casey had joined me. And after some moments of silence, I had started talking.

But I don't know what to say now. That I had nightmares? That I was afraid? He probably knows already.

So I don't say anything.

Casey takes a deep breath. "So, what have you been up to?" he asks. "I mean, aside from not sleeping and spending entire nights out here."

I raise a brow and look at Casey.

"Yeah," he says without turning away from the farmhouse. "I noticed."

"But how?" I ask. "I was so…"

"Silent?" he asks. "You didn't wake me up if that's what you're afraid of. I just couldn't sleep one night and when I looked out of the window, I found you sitting here. The next night I needed to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, I somehow had this feeling that I should look out of the window. And there you were again."

"And you couldn't sleep tonight either, so you thought you'd join me?" I suggest.

He shrugs. "Sort of."

"Okay." I turn back to the farmhouse. "And what now?"

"I don't know." He shrugs. "Do you want to talk?"

"No," I mumble.

"Okay."

A few more moments in silence pass, but it doesn't feel uncomfortable. Actually, I like it when Casey is like this. It's a side of him, he doesn't show everybody. The caring, empathetic, nice Casey. It's the Casey I can allow next to me without feeling annoyed or angry. The flirty Casey, however, the Casey that has to try to talk me into a date, that's the Casey that I either avoid, tease or simply have to put in his place.

But this Casey here, that's the Casey I prefer.

Silence has never been Casey's strong point, though, and he sighs.

I still don't know what to say, so I don't react.

And there's another thing that has never been Casey's strong point, doing nothing.

All of a sudden, I feel Casey placing his hand over mine.

I jump a little and Casey immediately removes his hand again.

"I-I'm sorry, Red!" he says quickly.

I shake my head. "No, it's not that. You startled me, that's all."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"Oh, okay," Casey says, and there's something in his voice that makes me imagine him smile.

I feel his hand lingering over mine a moment. And then, very slowly and carefully, he takes my hand, encircles it with his fingers.

It feels nice, and when he gives my hand a gentle squeeze, I can't help, but return it.

My eyes are still closed, and I don't feel like opening them. This darkness isn't bad, not alarming, not scary. It's actually relaxing.

When I open my eyes again, I find five faces looking down on me, four of them green. And they're all frowning.

I take a sharp breath.

"Get away!" I scream, and the turtles immediately step back. It's only Casey that stays in place.

I sit up, my tentacles flailing so uncontrollably that even Casey takes a step back.

There's still so much concern in their eyes.

"I said, get away!"

The brothers run to the other side of the room, but Casey stays put. I glare at him, but he just looks back at me with wide eyes.

"Red, calm down," he says.

My glare deepens for a moment, but Casey holds my gaze.

I don't even know why this whole situation makes me so angry.

I just look at Casey and it takes a while before my breathing reaches a normal rate, and all this time, Casey holds my gaze and the brothers stay at the other end of the room.

Then my tentacles slump to my sides and I take a few deep breaths.

"Better?" Casey asks.

I nod, taking another deep breath. "What happened?"

"You fell asleep on the swing, I let you sleep for an hour or so, but when I tried to wake you up, you didn't react," Casey explains. "Then I carried you inside. I thought you'd wake up at sunrise, but you didn't. So I got the others."

He nods to the back of the room and waits. But when the brothers don't say anything, Casey speaks up again.

"For half an hour or so we tried to wake you up. Again, no reaction. And then...well, you know the rest."

I nod, and then raise my gaze to look at the others.

They stand there, looking at me, confused, a bit frightened, even Raph. He tries to hide it under a frown and an angry glare, but he can't fool me.

"I'm sorry, guys," I say. "I…I don't know what came over me. I...I…"

I can feel the tears well up in my eyes and try to blink them away, but it doesn't work. So I bury my face in my hands and break into tears.

"No April, it's not that bad! Please don't cry!" It's Mikey, and it's no surprise that he is the first by my side. He starts rubbing my back and mumbling calming words.

What's a surprise is that the second one by my side is Raph. He's bad at this. He's good when he has to comfort his brothers, but only when he has to. And when it comes to comforting me, that's a totally different thing.

So he's just standing there, staggering, before he places a hand on my shoulder.

Leo is the next to join. I see him limping over to us, leaning heavily on his cane, from the corner of my eye.

It's the moment I realize that something is not quite right. He was quick enough to flee to the other end of the room with his brothers. He wasn't even falling back. And now he is in more need of his cane than ever before.

I frown a little, but now is not the time to think about this. Now it's time to hug my family. Even Casey shifts closer.

Only Donnie stays away, lingering at the other side of the room, then moving closer. But he doesn't come close enough to join the circle around me.

And it's okay for me that Donnie stays away. He must still be afraid of my tentacles, not that the others seem to care at the moment, they are so close, my tentacles could easily touch them, grab them, if they weren't hanging laxly.

But I can't blame Donnie. Actually, I am not even sure if I want him and his concerned eyes close right now.

I start to feel better after a little while and the tears dry up.

The time to think about this incident comes when Leo orders a training run for him and his brothers. It's not much of a run for Leo, rather a quick walk with enough pauses for his hurt leg to recover a bit. His brothers run ahead, search for cover, try to blend in with their surroundings before they run back to Leo. It usually takes them a few hours.

I'm glad. It gives me time and hopefully the time I need.

I sit at the kitchen table, my fingers precautionally wrapped around a mug of tea. I just want to think.

So the tea in the mug gets colder and colder while I try to think this through. But it doesn't make any sense.

The turtles would never retreat that easily, especially not when I yelled at them. They'd just stay there and look at me with concerned eyes, maybe take one or two startled steps back, but they'd never traverse an entire room.

Maybe they were scared by my tentacles. That's a possibility. But then they'd have drawn their weapons, ready to defeat themselves if they had to.

But they ran. Just _ran_. That's so not them.

I play the scene through and through in my head, rewind it, play it again, looking for a sign why they had reacted the way they had. But I can't find any.

My eyelids suddenly feel very heavy, and they droop. I try to fight it, but I don't seem to have the strength to keep them open.

"Don't you think you should take a nap?"

I manage to open my eyes and find Casey leaning against the doorframe.

"Casey, I…"

"...want to finish your tea first?" he suggests. "I understand."

I shake my head. "No, it's cold anyway."

"Well, then." He comes over to me and wrests the mug from my hands.

"Seriously, Red," he says, and there's concern in his eyes, so much concern. "You need to get some sleep."

Again, I shake my head, but it's even harder now to keep my eyes open.

"April." He's almost begging. "Please!"

I force my eyes open a little bit more, so that my vision isn't so blurry, but it's exhausting.

"Okay," I finally say, and he brightens up a bit.

I don't trust my legs any longer, nor the rest of my body. I am so tired.

I hold out my hand to him and he takes it, leading me up the stairs into my room.

I'm even too tired to care about the fact that Casey's in my bedroom.

I slump down on my bed and I can feel that Casey wants to let go of my hand, but I tighten my grip.

"Could you...could you stay until I'm asleep?"

I don't even know what has gotten into me, but it feels right. I remember that before I woke up on the couch I didn't have any nightmares. And I want to sleep without any nightmares, at least for a little bit.

Again.

"Sure!" Casey replies. He gives my hand a squeeze and slumps down on the floor next to my bed.

"Thank you," I whisper, sleep dragging severely on me now.

"Don't do anything creepy!" I try to put as much warning in my voice as I can which, at this point, isn't much.

"I won't," he says.

"Just make sure to stay away…"

Sleep slackens my tongue before I can finish the sentence.

"I will," I hear Casey say before the warm darkness wraps around me.


	7. Chapter 06

_I want to thank all my lovely reviewers for their feedback. You guys are awesome! And special thanks to my beta BelatedBeliever1127. :)_

* * *

When I open my eyes again, I find the room bathed in dim light. I rub my eyes with my free hand, and it is only then that I realize that Casey is still sitting next to my bed and holding my hand.

"Hi," I mumble, my voice still husky from sleep. "What time is it?"

"Around eight," Casey replies.

I frown. "The brothers aren't back yet?"

It's not really a question, rather stating the obvious. If the others were back, Casey would have left my room. He wouldn't have risked getting caught here, holding my hand while I was sleeping peacefully. It's part of his soft side, and he would never let the brothers, especially not Raph, see it. On the other hand, I think he would be fine being caught kissing me. It would contribute to his macho-image.

Casey shakes his head, and my eyes widen a bit in surprise. The brothers are usually back before dinner.

"But they'll be back any minute," Casey adds quickly.

I nod. He's probably right. I sit up and let go of Casey's hand. I try to ignore how cold my hand feels immediately.

After a moment of holding his hand in mid-air, Casey slides it into the pocket of his jeans. Then he rises and I get up, too.

In silence, we move to the kitchen - and wait. And wait. And wait.

It's already dark outside, and we're still waiting.

I had stopped trying to hide my concern long ago, and I stare at the kitchen table with a deep frown.

"Well...uhm…" Casey clears his throat. "Maybe they...uhm...decided to do some extra training and found a place to stay for the night. They'll be back by morning, I'm sure."

My frown deepens, but I nod.

This is unusual for them. They never stay outside in the woods overnight, especially since Leo's leg still isn't healed completely. It would be too dangerous.

There only were a few reasons that could have kept them away from the farmhouse at night. Leo's condition has worsened and they couldn't make it home in time. Or something has happened to them. Or both.

I like neither of the options.

I bite my lip, but before I can let these thoughts sink in even further, Casey places a hand on my shoulder and leans forward, searching my eyes.

After a moment of hesitation I look at him.

"April," he says emphatically, "I am sure they're all just fine."

I close my eyes and take a deep, calming breath. Then I open my eyes again before I place my hand over Casey's and give it a gentle squeeze.

"Okay," I say and force myself to smile.

Casey smiles back, but I can tell from the stern look in his eyes that it is as much a forced smile as mine.

I carefully remove Casey's hand from my shoulder, giving it one more squeeze before I let go completely. Then I get up and leave the kitchen.

I can see from the corner of my eyes that Casey is watching me, but he doesn't come after me.

When I reach the staircase I am not sure if I am relieved about this or angry. All I know is that it somehow bothers me. But I refuse to go back into the kitchen. And so I enter my room moments later.

I lie down on my bed, but I don't even think of sleeping. I know sleep is out of the question for tonight. I doze off every now and then, but wake up almost immediately, but this time, it's not the fear of nightmares that keeps me from sleeping, it's the worries about my friends that keep me awake. The moments I doze off are dreamless, quiet, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I want my friends to be safe.

It is a restless night full of brooding, moments of dreamless snoozing and listening into the darkness.

It's almost a relief when I can hear a familiar voice, almost because Mikey is screaming.

I am on my feet in no time and rush downstairs. From the corner of my eye I can see Casey following me. I pull the door open and stop for a moment. But my kunoichi-skills kick in almost immediately, and I know from which direction Mikey is approaching. And within a heartbeat I force my feet into motion again and run to meet Mikey with Casey right on my heels.

We reach Mikey at the barn.

"April, Casey!" he cries out and sinks to his knees, panting for air.

I kneel down and place a hand on his shoulder.

Mikey looks at me with wide eyes.

"They got them!" he continues.

My heart tightens at his words, but I try to keep a straight face.

"Relax, Mikey," I say, and I have to give it to me, I really do sound calm and reasonable, despite the panic pressing my chest together. "Tell me what happened."

Mikey takes a deep breath and what comes next is a summary of the events in maximum speed, the words simply bubbling from Mikey's mouth. It's hard to follow, especially when Mikey hardly stops for breath and doesn't concentrate on the facts and instead tells simply anything that comes to his mind and with Mikey, that's a lot.

But knowing him for a while now, I think I can extract the facts. They are as follows:

They had stopped after a while to give Leo the chance to rest a bit. While they were waiting, Mikey had given one of his Crognard-imitations - he uses the words "absolutely awesome and Oscar-worthy" - to pass their time. But Raph had gotten so annoyed with him, he had decided to turn this into a sparring-session, and at some point Donnie had joined them.

Distracted, they hadn't realized the mutant frogs sneaking up on them until it had been too late. Faced with superior numbers, they had surrendered without a fight, even Raph, although Mikey describes his inner struggle in every detail.

The frogs brought them to their headquarters, an enormous tree where their whole tribe lives. They were asked why they had entered the frogs' territory without permission.

When Leo explained that it had been an accident, they were almost let free again, but when one of the soldiers mentioned their fighting skills, a frog named Rasputin, some sort of an advisor of the king, said that they could be of use for their plans. When asked about what they think of humans, Leo replied truthfully that some of their friends were humans. This was enough to raise a row and they were all thrown into cages immediately. They would be put on trial the next day for entering the frogs' territory and befriending the enemy. During the discussions among the frogs that followed, an invasion of the human world was mentioned, a plan to bring back nature to the cities, and that it should start at the farmhouse not far away.

Only one frog named Napoleon Bonafrog defied this plan and tried to persuade his companions to set the turtles free again, but he was only laughed at.

During the night Napoleon snuck up to their cages. He was so clumsy that he was easily detected by the guards, but because of his clumsiness they didn't take him seriously - either this had been his plan all along or he really was that stupid, Mikey's narration wasn't clear here - so this gave Napoleon the chance to get close to their cages. He managed to open Mikey's cage before stumbling and landing flat on his face on his way to Raph's cage. Leo ordered Mikey to warn us, and after a moment of hesitation Mikey ran for his life, literally. He managed to escape, making sure to take some detours and only took the path to the farmhouse when he had been sure that he hadn't been followed.

And that's how Mikey ended up here.

His brothers will most certainly be sentenced to death as enemies of the frogs tomorrow, so we quickly get moving.

I even take my tessen with me. I know I am not good at fighting with it at the moment, but I still can throw it which might come in handy.

Mikey and Casey didn't even dare to object me coming with them. I know they would prefer to have kept me back at the farmhouse, but under no circumstances would I have stayed there. My friends are in danger, so I'd do anything to save them. Well, except for staying back at the farmhouse, that is, freaky, disobeying tentacles or not.

Mikey leads us through the woods and to the frogs' home tree. We get there faster than I had expected. Mikey gives us a sign that from now on we need to be quiet. I just nod.

Carefully, we sneak closer.

I can see Casey from the corner of my eyes, all geared up and wearing his hockey mask. Then I hear a thud and see Casey stumble. He regains his balance, cursing under his breath.

I turn towards him, but before I can remind him of our precarious situation and the need to stay quiet, something falls over me.

A trap!, I want to yell, but it's already too late.

Covered by the net, we all sink to the ground.

With glaring eyes I watch the frogs getting closer and removing the tessen from my grasp. I don't even have the time to try to cut myself free.

They've been expecting us. I slam my flat hand on the ground angrily. _Of course_ , they've been expecting us!

I grit my teeth, cursing my own stupidity.

They bind our hands before they lead to some sort of crazy elevator that brings us to a platform high up in the tree.

I can't help, but be amazed by what the frogs have built here. I am not sure if the canister of mutagen the Kraang-clone of my mother has dropped in the woods has caused these frogs to mutate or if they had been mutated by the Kraang many years ago and had moved here, but either way, I am impressed, maybe even a little more impressed if the former is the case. Building all of this in such a short time is just incredible.

My amazement vanishes when we are brought before the king. I can spot the other three turtles in their cages in the background. So much for rescuing them.

"We captured them when they tried to invade our home tree," one of the guards explains, and the three of us are pushed to the ground.

With my mouth set into a hard line, I sit up into a kneeling position.

The king watches us over for a while.

"Very well," he says, "bring the turtle to his brothers. Their trial will begin tomorrow as planned. As for the human and" - he quickly looks me up once more - "whatever that is, we'll deal with them right now."

His words make me inhale sharply, as anger squeezes my chest, rumbling angrily inside me like thunder. I know I look weird, ugly maybe, but hearing _this_ from a fat mutant frog, that really does it.

"Whatever that is?" I repeat, my voice calm, too calm. I get to my feet.

"Red…" Casey says warningly. This is no time for an outburst, I know that. But I just can't ignore the anger any longer, let alone fight it down.

"Whatever that is!?" I call out, slamming an elbow into the guard's chest when he tries to push me back onto my knees.

"I am April O'Neil!" I yell. "I am _not_ a whatever!"

"April!" The warning in Casey's voice is even more urgent now. And there's a begging touch to it.

I know I should stop now. Only, I can't.

I quickly turn my head to the side to look at them.

Their eyes widen, and Mikey even yelps in surprise and shock.

I turn back to the frogs' king.

There's something rumbling in my chest, vibrating through my body.

When I open my mouth, a shriek comes out, a shrill, ear-piercing sound.

I know they all look at me now, but they don't attack me, they just stand there, waiting.

This vibrancy is still there in my body, making my skin tingle, feeling like waves of energy running right through me.

"You are going to release my friends now," I tell them, my voice calm, icy.

Some of the guards move over to the cages and open them. The other frogs just look at me.

Donnie, Raph, and Leo leave their cages. Leo's limping heavily, almost jumping on one leg. When his brothers realize, they position themselves on either side of Leo and drag his arms over their shoulders, supporting him on their way over to me.

"Behind me," I say to them, and they obey.

But the moment they pass me, the energy, the vibrancy dissipates, and I fall into darkness.

When I come to, it's to a flickering light that makes the throbbing pain in my head even worse.

I groan and raise a hand to my hurting forehead.

"April!" Leo's by my side immediately.

It takes me some overcoming to crack my eyes open, and the sight before me seems so surreal. Have I really woken up again?

But my head is hurting too much to not be awake.

I am sitting on the ground, my back leaning against the trunk of a tree.

And because I am awake, the home tree on fire before us must be real.

"What happened?" I ask, my eyes glued to the flames that are devouring on the wood of the frogs' tree.

"A fight broke loose when you fainted," Leo explains, "during which a fire bowl was overturned. Quickly, the fire was spreading. Napoleon Bonafrog shouted that we have to work together to all make it out of there alive, and that, we did. The others and the frogs are preventing the other trees from catching fire."

"I see."

Together, we watch how the fire is licking at the big tree. It still does when the sun rises, the orange light of the sun mixing up with the color of the flames. It looks even more surreal than before, almost beautiful.

When the fire finally dies down, it is daytime.

The pain in my head is still too much for me to dare to get up, and so I just sit there.

When the others come back to us, they explain that they have been pardoned by the king because Casey and Raph had saved his life when they had fled from the tree.

The king had rethought their plan of conquering the human world because after all, a human had been involved in saving his life.

"And what do they want to do now?" Leo asks.

Casey shrugs. "Looking for a new home."

I turn my head over to the group of frogs not far away. They avoid my gaze except for the king and a frog in a funny T-shirt who look back at me. The king gives a quick nod before he turns around, and the other frog waves at us.

Then they set into motion, going deeper into the woods.

"Can you walk?" Leo asks as he turns to me.

I try to stand up, but a jolt of pain shoots through my head.

"Ouch!" I hiss.

"I take that as a no," Leo says.

Before I can react, I am picked up by Mikey and carried away into the direction of the farmhouse.

Behind us, Casey and Raph are supporting a limping Leo. Donnie brings up the rear. He looks at me, and again, there's a frown wrinkling his forehead and concern in his eyes.

I quickly raise my gaze to the smoking, black skeleton that has once been the frogs' tree.

I know now how the tree had caught fire, what had happened after I had fainted.

But I have no idea what exactly has happened before that.

I have no idea what has happened to _me_.


	8. Chapter 07

_As always, many thanks to my beta BelatedBeliever1127. :)_

* * *

My thoughts are quickly replaced by a certain weariness. I try to fight it, I try to keep my eyes open, alarmed by what has happened last time I had fallen asleep close to one of the turtles. I can still hear Donnie's screams.

But the weariness pulls on my eyelids on my mind heavily, and at some point, I can't fight any longer and fall asleep right there in Mikey's arms.

When I wake up, I'm lying in my bed.

First, I am a bit confused and don't really know how I have ended there. But then the memories come back, and I jump to my feet, ignoring the fact that my body is still heavily demanding some rest.

I rush to the door - or try to rush, I am a bit groggy, not to mention the terrible headache, but I manage somehow, and when I open my door, I can hear movements downstairs, and descend the stairs as quickly as my condition allows.

I follow the noises to the kitchen, quickly scanning the room when I stop in the doorway. While my eyes are darting over Raph, Donnie, Leo, and Casey, I have to lean against the doorframe for support.

I frown when I don't see Mikey with them in the kitchen.

"Heh, good morning, Red!" Casey says when he sets eyes on me. The others greet me as well, but I can only reply with an absent nod. I'm still trying to figure out where Mikey is.

But if something has happened to him, if I had done something to him, the others wouldn't greet me so genially, right? Right?!

In this moment, the front door swings open. I turn my head just in time to see Mikey enter. He obviously comes back from collecting eggs from the chicken because he's wearing his beloved straw hat and he's holding a little basket in his one hand. When he sees me, his face turns into a broad grin.

"Hello, April!" he calls out cheerfully.

"Hi Mikey!" I reply. I don't even try to keep the relief out of my voice. The corners of my mouth quirk into a smile, but it sends a jolt of pain to my forehead, and I hiss.

My hand rushes to my forehead while the other still trying to steady me, but I slowly sink to my knees nonetheless.

"April!" Mikey rushes over to me. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing," I mumble. _Because you're okay_ , I add in my head.

"Just a headache," I say.

"Come," Mikey says as he helps me to my feet and supports me to the living room and the couch.

First, I sit down, but then I realize that this wouldn't help, so I lie down and place my hands over my eyes, hoping this would make the pain more bearable.

I feel someone put a cold, damp cloth on my forehead. It helps a bit.

But as the pain fades, the exhaustion, my body's need for rest comes back, and I fall asleep again.

When I wake up this time, it's to a dim room. But it's not my room. I'm still in the living room, still lying on the couch. I raise my hands to my face and rub my eyes. I can feel the damp cloth on my forehead. What surprises me is that it is still cold. It was morning when I came here, and even through the shut curtains I can tell that it is bright daylight outside now, so how could it still be cold? The cloth should be warm. And it shouldn't be damp any longer. I take the cloth from my forehead and place it on the couch next to me as I sit up.

"Oh, look who's awake," I hear a voice, and when I turn my head, Mikey enters the room.

"Can I open the curtains?" he asks. "Or do you still have a headache?"

This moment, I realize that actually, my headache is gone.

"It's fine," I say. "No more headache."

Even in the dim light I can tell that Mikey is smiling as he walks over to the window. The room is bathed in bright daylight when he parts the curtains, and I squint.

"Sorry!" Mikey calls out. "Was that too fast?"

I slowly shake my head. "No, it's fine. Just need to adjust."

"Headache still gone?"

I nod.

Then I manage to open my eyes completely just in time to watch Mikey coming over to me. And there's something in his hand, a bowl, I realize, when he comes closer.

He places it on the ground before he sits down next to me, and I see the water shimmering in the bowl. This explains why the cloth was still damp and cold.

"I've been out a few hours?" I ask, but it is not so much a question, more a statement.

Mikey nods.

"Why hasn't anyone brought me upstairs?"

"Donnie said we should leave you here. You seemed to be in pain, and so he said we shouldn't move you because this could make the pain worse. And that we should keep the cloth damp and cold to help you."

I bite my lip. After all this time of avoiding Donnie, he still wants to make sure I'm okay.

Yes, I'm still afraid to hear what he could have seen when my tentacles had sent him into that zombie-state. And yes, it still makes me angry to see the frown on his face when he looks at me, but now that I think of it, maybe I get angry because I think that whatever he saw during his "absence" caused by my tentacles makes him frown. I guess because I don't want to know, I don't want him to remember either.

But whatever he has seen, it brings a frown to his face, it makes him think. It's Donnie, after all. This turtle _has_ to think, like, all the time.

And I still have no idea what exactly I did to him or what I did back at the frogs' tree, no matter how much I think about it.

"April?"

Mikey calling my name makes me snap out of my train of thought, and I realize that I must have been quiet for a while now.

"I'm sorry, Mikey," I say. "I've been thinking." I take a deep breath. "Where's Donnie?"

"In his barn, I mean, lab," he corrects himself.

"Thanks, Mikey," I say as I get to my feet. "For everything."

"Don't mention it, dudette," he replies with a broad grin.

Mikey's grins are always contagious, and so I smile back at him before I leave the room.

At the barn door, I pause to take a deep breath. And then I enter before I can have a change of heart.

Donnie is at the back of the barn, sitting at his work desk, bent over whatever he's working on at the moment.

One more deep breath and I straighten myself. Then I walk to the back of the barn.

"Hello there, Donnie," I greet him and stop at some distance to him.

Donnie jumps a little at the sound of my voice and turns around, his eyes wide with surprise before his face changes into a smile.

"Hi April," he says.

But almost immediately the smile is gone and replaced by a frown.

This makes the anger rise in my chest again, but I force it down.

I swallow, hoping to relax my body who has stiffened while trying to keep the anger down.

I force the corners of my mouth up, but it is such a pitiful attempt of a smile - I can tell that without even looking at me - that I give up again.

"Are you feeling better?" Donnie asks.

"Yes," I say, and my reply smoothes the frown on Donnie's face.

"I wanted to talk to you," I continue.

"Oh?" Donnie furrows his brow a bit more again.

"Yes, well...uhm…" I drop my gaze, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable and shy. This is not as easy as I had thought. Okay, I never really thought it was going to be easy, but I didn't expect it to be _that_ hard.

I exhale loudly and look back at Donnie.

"Do you have an idea what could have happened to me back at the frogs' tree?"

There. I said it. Straightforward, final. Done.

Donnie blinks a few times. He opens his mouth, closes it again, opens it again. He does that for ten seconds or so before it's his turn to drop his gaze and he lets out a long breath.

"I-I'm not sure," he finally says, looking up at me. "I do have a few theories, though, but without any tests, I'm not sure which one is true."

"Okay." I press my lips together. This isn't what I had wanted to hear. I had hoped, I had longed for Donnie to give me the answer to my question right here and there without any hesitation, just as straightforward and final as my question had been.

There's still another question lingering on my tongue, but I am too disappointed or too afraid to let it out now that I know Donnie doesn't have all the answers.

"Well, we can run some tests if you want to. I just need to piece up a few things, and we should be good to go," Donnie says, and his eyes get this shimmer they usually get when there's the possibility of drowning himself in a new project. A look I haven't seen on Donnie in a very long time.

I don't know why, but it makes the anger in my chest die down completely and brings a smile, a real smile to my face.

And my voice has a mischievous sound to it when I say, "Well, what are we waiting for?"

I feel fear pressing against my chest, making my body stiff and hollow, but I can do this.

Donnie has been so happy when I had agreed on the tests, I don't want to let him down.

I can see now why Donnie has been concerned and told me that I don't have to join him, but he needs help to move all the equipment, the _Kraang_ -equipment that could be of some use from the basement to the barn. And somehow I don't want one of the others to help him. For the first time in what feels like an eternity I can talk to Donnie without getting too angry about his frowns and we can chat and even start a new project. I don't want anyone to ruin this for us.

But it is hard. Seeing the ship in which my mother who has turned out to not be my mother has been locked up, rises the pressure on my chest and makes it even harder to breathe.

But I want to do this. I _have_ to do this.

Donnie is kneeling in the front of the ship. He has already removed a panel and is now digging through the ship's inner workings.

I wait for him to tell me what to do, but he is so concentrated on his recent work that, knowing Donnie, this could take a while.

So I just stand there and try not to let the surroundings get me down too much.

But pictures of my Kraang-clone-mother appear before my inner eye, and I really wish that Donnie would speed things up a little.

The pink shimmering, the low humming of the Kraang-equipment, it's really unnerving. Suddenly, I realize that my heart is hammering like crazy and my breath is coming in short puffs.

And then the headache comes back. I press my fingers against my temples in an attempt to reduce the pain a bit.

It doesn't work and I rush over to where Donnie is kneeling.

"Donnie," I say, pleading almost. "I...uhm...can we...get out of here? I am not feeling so good."

Donnie sits up and looks at me. The concerned frown is back when he looks me over, but I don't really care. The humming seems to get louder and louder, and I hiss.

"April!" he calls out, alarmed, and raises a hand to my forehead, not even thinking about the piece of Kraang-technology he's still holding in his hand, but my tentacles do. Before I can react, they reach for the piece of shimmering pink metal and heave it to the top of my head. I can feel the smaller tentacles quiver and twitch in anticipation.

When they grab it, there's a pink flash and I want to scream, but all that leaves my mouth is a terrible shriek.

Donnie's eyes widen and he skids backwards, away from me, as fast as he can.

 _No!_ I want to scream, but it's just another shriek I can pronounce.

There's fear in Donnie's eyes. I haven't been able to stand Donnie's concern, his frown, and I especially can't stand his fear.

He has never looked at me like that, it makes the anger rise in my chest again.

I want my old Donnie back, the Donnie who wanted to be close to me and suddenly turned shy when I accidentally touched him. I don't want this new Donnie who frowns at me or looks at me with scared eyes.

I move forward, try to bridge the distance between us, but Donnie moves away from me even faster.

"A-April!" he stutters. "April, it's me!"

 _I know!_ I want to reply, but again, I just shriek.

I don't want Donnie to shrink away from me, I want him right there, close to me. I want his arms around me.

I want this so badly! I haven't even realized before. I want a happy Donnie, a cheerful Donnie, a shy Donnie when I'm close to him, a Donnie that loves me. And I want him now. I need him now, right now!

There's the energy running through my body again, and I let out another shriek. Donnie flinches, but he stops moving away from me. He closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them again, they're white, not the warm brown they usually are. His jaw is set into a hard line as he gets up and comes over to me. Then his arms are around me and he pulls me into an embrace.

I stiffen. I didn't see that coming. He just stands there, his hands on my back, and it feels wrong.

I don't even hug him back.

And just like that, the energy is gone.

The piece of Kraang-technology clatters to the ground, and Donnie flinches again.

"Guys, dinner's ready," Casey's voice sounds from the stairs as do his footsteps, but then he stops. I turn my head to look over to him, and there he is, his eyes wide, his mouth half open.

"Oh, sorry," he mumbles. "Didn't mean to interrupt."

And with that he turns around and flies up the stairs.

Donnie takes a step backwards, removing his arms from around me and looking at his hands with his brown eyes like he had never seen his own hands before. He then raises his gaze to look at me.

"April," he says with a frown, "what just happened?"

Instead of a reply I bury my face in my hands and start crying.


	9. Chapter 08

_As always, many thanks to my beta BelatedBeliver1127 and my lovely reviewers. :)_

* * *

"April, I'm sorry, so sorry," Donnie says.

I can hear him move, and I know he's shifting uneasily, but I can't stop crying.

The tears keep running down my face, and at some point, Donnie places a hand on my shoulder.

I don't remove my hands from my face. I _can't_ remove my hands from my face. It would mean looking at him, it would mean facing that I have done something to him. Again. It would mean facing _what_ I've done to him.

And that's something I can't do. I'd keep crying forever if it prevents me from facing the truth.

Donnie puts a little pressure on my shoulder and leads me towards the staircase. He guides me upstairs and into my room.

Donnie pauses at the door, but I keep going and find my way over to my bed without removing my hands from my face and lie down on my back.

I don't really want to cry any longer, but I keep squeezing tears out of my eyes. It hurts, but I don't mind.

I hear footsteps coming my way and some shifting next to my bed. Donnie sighs. His sigh comes from below, so I presume he has sat down on the floor.

"April, I'm sorry," he says again. "I should have known! I mean, it's Kraang-technology, and we know what the Kraang do with their technology sometimes, and you are...well...you are...uhm…"

He breaks off.

Silence follows, only disturbed by my sobs, but they've become hollow and hurt my throat just as squeezing tears out hurts my eyes. I don't have any tears left anyway, no matter how hard I try to force them out. My eyes are dry.

I finally remove my hands from my face and let them slump down on the mattress. A few deep breaths and the sobbing is gone, too.

I just stare up at the ceiling. I can't look at Donnie.

"April?" he asks, his voice barely a whisper.

"Out," I say, my voice cold and hard.

"What?"

I know his eyes are wide and he's frowning, I just know.

"Out!" I repeat a little louder.

"But…"

"I said, get out!"

I'm yelling now, and I really want to turn and give Donnie one of my infamous death-glares, but I can't.

I hear Donnie get up and walk to the door.

 _Don't look, don't look, don't look!_ I tell myself and keep my eyes glued to the ceiling.

Donnie's steps get slower. He hesitates. He pauses.

"April," he tries again.

I press my mouth into a hard line, giving the ceiling a death-glare instead of Donnie and hope that it will do.

Donnie sighs.

Then I hear the door click shut.

But I keep my eyes on the ceiling. Not the most beautiful sight, I must confess, but I don't have anything better to do instead of feeling bad and terrible and afraid, so very, very afraid.

I did something to Donnie, I controlled him, I made him do what I wanted him to do.

And suddenly all clicks together in my brain.

But it's too much to process and sends a flash of pain through my head.

I hiss and squeeze my eyes shut.

When I open my eyes again, I realize that I must have fallen asleep.

The moment the memories come back to me, there's nothing I want more than to go right back to sleep. It has been a nice sleep, no dreams which means no nightmares, just warm, sweet nothing.

I crave this sweet nothing, but there's no way of getting there again.

With a sigh I sit up.

Now that dreamless sleep is no longer an option, I try to cry again, but my eyes are still dry and swollen from all this crying from before, so crying won't make it easier either.

I hug my knees, hoping that making me as small as possible would help.

It doesn't.

My tentacles are swaying, and I try to ignore them - which doesn't work either.

The realization from before makes its way back to my brain, but I can't face it now.

I press my face against my knees and squeeze my eyes shut.

I force my thoughts away from the obvious, try to steer them away from what I have learned about me earlier.

But it's there, all too powerful, all too intense. I can't escape it any longer.

I mind-controlled Donnie. I forced him to hug me. And Donnie isn't the only one. I did the same to the frogs. I did the same to the the guys. That's the reason why they flew to the other end of the room back when Donnie was still in his zombie-state. Because I wanted them to.

It all makes sense now. But I wish it didn't.

I can control them. I don't know how, but I can.

I found a power in me I didn't want to have. Again.

It's dangerous. _I_ am dangerous.

Who says I don't accidentally send one of the guys over a cliff or make him hang himself in the basement when I get angry with them?

I get to my feet and shuffle over to the dresser.

My arms are shaking a little bit, when I put my hands on the side of the dresser. I feel weak, but ignore it. I have to do this. I shift the dresser over to the door and bar it, just like I had done some time ago. I know this won't really help with the mind-control-thing. But maybe it helps to have a shut door between them and me.

Or maybe not.

I remember how easily Mikey had given in when I had sent him away at the beginning of my exile.

I sink to my knees, pressing my fingers against my temples. I want to cry, but my eyes are still too dry for that, but I try nonetheless. My swollen eyes burn when I try to get tears out of them. I don't care and squeeze my eyes shut with even more force. I hiss at the pain, but it keeps the terrible truth away.

And it is a relief when finally one single tear runs down my cheek.

Footsteps approach, but whoever it is, he doesn't even try to open the door. He must have heard me shifting the dresser and knows all too well what that means.

"April?" Mikey asks.

"Go away, Mikey," I reply.

He sighs. "Please, April, don't do this again."

"I have to," I mumble.

"No, you don't," he says.

"Yes, I do!" I yell, turning my head quickly to the door.

Another sigh.

"April…"

"Don't make me send you over a cliff, Mikey!"

"What?"

I can hear that his eyes widen in surprise in his voice.

"Just go away, okay?"

"But…"

"Just leave!"

I want Mikey to go away so badly that for a second I wish I could do the mind-control-thing again, but then I remember that I could really send him over a cliff or do something else to him, and I push the thought away. I need to stay calm, fight down the urge to have Mikey leave. Urges aren't good if you can make others do what you want them to, I presume.

I take a deep breath.

"Mikey, please!" I beg.

I can hear him shift. Just in time, I remember something.

"And Mikey!" I call out quickly. "No one should come here again. Stay away from my room."

"But how…"

"Stay away from this room!" I repeat insistently.

"Can you open the window then so I can throw you some food inside?"

There's so much confusion in his voice. And fear.

"No," I say.

"But what if you get hungry? Or thirsty? Or both?"

"I'll figure something out. Now go."

"But April!"

"Mikey!"

He lets out a long breath and leaves.

After a while my stomach starts to growl and I remember that I haven't really eaten anything in a while. Also, I realize that I haven't really thought this through. But there's no way back now.

I want to shut myself away as much as possible. And this means no open doors, no open windows.

At nightfall, my stomach is growling so loudly, I clench my tummy to muffle the sound.

I get up, walk over to the bed and lie down on my back. I place my hands on my tummy again. It helps with the growling and it dulls the sensation of hunger.

I wonder how long I would last before the hunger gets so irresistible that I have to leave the room. Maybe I can wait until the guys leave for training. I am a kunoichi and I should be able to get to the kitchen, grab some food and be back in my room in no time.

But there's still Casey. He doesn't often join the others for training, and I am not sure if I can sit it through long enough until he does.

My stomach growls even louder and I press my hands against my tummy harder.

I can't help, but wonder why hunger is such an issue now. It hasn't been during my first exile.

But I stop thinking about it when my stomach growls again.

I hadn't even thought that I could fall asleep, but I do.

And when I wake up in the morning, my stomach hurts so much more.

I groan and sit up, hoping this would make it better. Which is a mistake.

I'm out of ideas of what else to do. Maybe I should open the window and hope that Mikey would get the hint and throw some food inside. He'd hopefully be far away enough to not get into reach of my mind.

I get up, walk over to the window and open it carefully.

Only for as long as Mikey needs to figure it out and throw a sandwich or so into my room, then I'll immediately close the window again.

I'm so hungry.

I should have thought about this sooner.

Stupid me.

I sit down on the floor again and hug my knees tightly. It helps with my complaining stomach. And then I just wait for a sandwich to come flying inside.

Unfortunately, Mikey must have taken my words seriously because he isn't coming to look if the window is open.

I sigh.

It's the moment I realize that my mouth is dry.

This is just great. Now I'm thirsty, too.

I get up and look for my bottle of water, only to find it empty.

This is even better!

I go back to my place at the window and slump down on the floor, hugging my knees again.

I lean my forehead on my knees. And to cap it all, my head starts aching, too.

Can this get any worse?

Of course it can. And it does when a constant _knock-knock-knock_ reaches my ears - and my hurting head.

I hope it'll pass.

 _Knock-knock-knock._

It doesn't.

When it feels like each knock hits my head, I let out a frustrated growl and jump to my feet.

I don't care if the others could see me, I don't care if I could accidently make Raph drive the Shellraiser against a wall. All I care about is this noise to _stop_!

I lean out of the window, searching for the source of the noise with furious eyes.

And I find it.

Casey must feel my eyes on him because he immediately stops hitting his baseball bat against a tree and looks up at me.

"Hey there, Red!" he says and smiles at me.

"Do you know you make a terrible noise out there?"

"Yep," Casey replies. "It was meant to get you out." His smile turns into a broad grin. "And it worked. Sort of."

I twist my mouth.

"Where are the others?" I ask.

"Out. Doing some special training. Won't be back before lunch," he replies.

My stomach makes a joyful leap.

I immediately retreat from the window.

I can hear Casey call after me, but I'm already at my door and shove the dresser out of the way, so I can open the door, and moments later I dart outside and down the stairs.

I am at the fridge in no time and open it. I grab bottles of water, boxes with pizza leftovers, prepared sandwiches for lunch and whatever else I can carry. I have to kick the fridge closed because my arms are heavily loaded.

The plan is to run up to my room again, but when I turn around, my way is blocked.

Casey is standing in the kitchen door.

I flinch a bit.

So much for being faster than him because I'm a kunoichi.

He eyes me over.

"Hi again," he says.

"Well, hello," I reply.

I set into motion, hoping that he'd get out of the way, but Casey doesn't move.

I get angry and want to force my way out of the kitchen, but my arms are full and so all I can do is try to squash outside between the doorframe and Casey - which is kind of useless when your arms are loaded and on top of it you have uncontrollably moving tentacles.

I finally give up and take a step back, glaring at Casey.

"Sooooo," he drawls, "what are you up to?"

"Getting out of the kitchen and back to my room!"

"I see."

He still doesn't move, and I'm about to let all my loot fall to the ground, my hunger forgotten, and push Casey to the side to just get out of here.

"Mind if I join you?"

His question catches me off-guard, and I just stare at him.

It's only when Casey opens his mouth again to speak to me that I realize that I must have been staring at him for a while now.

"Don't tell me you need that long to make up your mind."

"I don't!" I reply.

Why on earth would Casey want to join me? Hasn't Donnie told him what has happened? Hasn't Mikey told him that I don't want anyone near me? Why is he so eager to talk to me? Doesn't he know what I could do to him?

But he doesn't look like he'd give in. On the contrary - the longer I look at him, the more confident his posture becomes.

I press my lips into a thin line, the anger rising in my chest again. What's that supposed to mean? How can he act like that after what I've done to Donnie?

If I could cross my arms over my chest, I'd do it now, but since that's no option, I settle for just glaring at him.

"Fine!" I finally say. If he doesn't care what I could do to him, I don't care either. Or maybe a little. "But when the guys come back, you have to be out of my room again."

"Deal!" he says and turns around, making a beeline for my room.

I have problems to keep up. He seems like he wants to make sure I don't get into my room before he does and could lock him out.

This somehow makes me even angrier. Why doesn't he trust me? Okay, I have to admit, this thought of rushing to my room and lock him out might have occurred to me for a second or so, but still, no need to mistrust me.

When I finally reach the door to my room and somehow manage to squeeze myself in through the barely open door - I really did a good job with the dresser - without letting any of my loot fall to the ground, Casey is already inside and greeting me with a broad grin.

I just slump to the floor, spreading my loot out before me.

I take a bottle of water, open it and take a long sip. I grab a sandwich after that.

Casey sits down opposite me.

I act as if he wasn't there and start munching away on my sandwich - which must be by far the most delicious sandwich on the planet.

Casey is the one who wanted to join me, so if he has something to say, he should spit it out.

In the meantime, I'll just eat my sandwich.


	10. Chapter 09

_As always, many, many thanks to my awesome beta BelatedBeliever1127. ^^_

* * *

I've finished my sandwich and I am now munching on some leftover pizza, but Casey still makes no move to start talking. He's just sitting there, his eyes darting around the room. He's looking everywhere, just not at me. I can see it when I quickly glance at him.

But I decide to still not care and keep eating.

When I grab the bottle to take another sip, he takes a deep breath.

I don't let that distract me and take a sip.

When I set the bottle down again, Casey takes another deep breath.

I'm about to yell at him to finally spit it out, but I bite my tongue.

All that shows my rising anger are my swinging tentacles, but since they move nearly all the time how they want, I'm sure Casey doesn't realize.

He shifts uneasily, and it takes all my self-restraint to stay calm.

And then, finally, he opens his mouth.

"Soooooo," he drawls, "what's new?"

I quickly raise my head and look at him, my eyes wide, before my anger is fueled by this stupid question, and I glare at him.

"What!?" I spit.

"Well...uhm…" He drops his gaze to the floor again.

That's it!

"For heaven's sake, Casey, spill it!"

He jumps a bit at my outburst and raises his gaze again.

There's something in his eyes, but I can't quite place what it is. Confusion? No, there's more to it.

He bites his lower lip, lowering his eyes once more, before he opens his mouth.

"April, I-I don't know how to begin this."

"Well, not beating around the bush might help!"

"Yeah, you're right," he says with a sigh. "Okay."

He falls silent again, and this really isn't helping with the anger rolling in my chest.

"What happened between you and Donnie?" he asks.

A hot wave shoots through my body, the heat choking me and burning away the anger.

"I don't get it," Casey continues. "First I catch you two hugging in the basement, and when I come back from working on the Hot Rod, all I'm told by Mikey is that you've locked yourself away again and no one is allowed near your room."

"Didn't Donnie tell you?" I ask, my voice barely more than a whisper. The memory of Donnie down in that basement comes back to me, his eyes white and blank, and it is my turn to lower my gaze.

"No," Casey replies. "And that's what confuses me. He doesn't talk to anyone, he's just wandering around with this deep frown on his face."

I don't know if I should be relieved about this or not. If the others don't know what I did, they won't be afraid of me - or more afraid than they already are. But if they don't know it means they don't know why they should avoid me, they don't know how dangerous I am.

I look at Casey again, but bite down my lip.

"And here's what I don't get," Casey goes on. "If Donnie and you really hugged in the basement, why isn't he running around with a stupid grin on his face? Why isn't he shoving it in my face? Why isn't he bragging? It makes no sense!"

Now I understand what I've seen in Casey's eyes - incomprehension. He just doesn't understand what is going on.

In a way I envy him. But he has to know.

I close my eyes, searching for the right words, but they don't come my way. Only the image of Donnie's white, hollow eyes comes to my mind, and I feel tears prickle in my eyes.

I suppress a sniffle, pushing the image of Donnie and my tears as far away as possible.

I inhale deeply.

"April?" Casey's voice sounds confused, maybe even a little worried.

"It's okay," I say.

I open my eyes again.

I can do this.

Casey has to know the truth, the danger, so he can be safe.

"I've done something terrible," I say, my voice husky with the suppressed tears.

Casey's eyes widen a bit, but he nods as a sign for me to go on.

"I...I…" This is harder than I thought. What will Casey think once he knows the truth? He'd be disappointed for sure. And afraid of me. And I am not sure if I can manage to see this in his eyes.

For a moment, I think of just closing my eyes again, so I don't have to see, but I keep them open. If Casey has to know the truth, I have to face it. It's as easy as that.

I wrap my arms around my upper body, hugging myself to give me at least a little bit of comfort, to brace myself.

"I mind-controlled Donnie," I say quickly.

Casey's eyes grow even wider, and I rush to go on.

"Back in the basement. My tentacles acted on their own and grabbed a piece of Kraang-technology. My head-tentacles connected to it. I tried to talk to Donnie, but I...I couldn't speak, only shriek. And Donnie backed away in fear. I couldn't bear to see him like that. I didn't want him to be afraid. I wanted him to be all nice and friendly. I wanted him to...hug me." It is really hard to say this to Casey of all people, but it has to be done. "And then his eyes turned white and he did as I wished."

Casey knits his brows, opens his mouth to say something, but no words escape his mouth.

It's not the fear I've been afraid to see on his face, but it's not much better.

I unwrap my arms and bury my face in my hands.

"I mind-controlled Donnie, Casey!" I cry out. "I mind-controlled him!"

I listen for Casey getting up and quickly leaving the room to get to safety, but nothing like this happens. Instead, I suddenly feel his arms around me. Before I even know what I'm doing, I remove my hands from my face and hug him back.

Casey pulls me even closer and I press my face against his chest.

He gently strokes my head, and I just bathe in the warmth, the comfort of a real hug. No stiffness, no hollow eyes here, just Casey, warm, soothing Casey.

When my body relaxes a bit, I loosen my grip on Casey. He realizes and lets go of me. I unwrap my arms from around him and lean back, my eyes glued to the floor.

"Better?" Casey asks.

I nod.

"Good," he says. "So, you mind-controlled Donnie."

I nod again.

"And that's so horrible, because…"

He stops mid-sentence, and I raise my eyes.

I can see he's fumbling for words.

"Because it's absolutely terrible," I finish his sentence. "I forced my will on him. I made him do what I wanted him to do."

"So?"

"So!?" I repeat a little too loudly. "Don't you get it? I could do it again. I could make him do terrible things, just because I want him to. I could...I could make him jump off a cliff or something."

"Okay, first, we're in the woods. I don't think there are many cliffs around here. Well, maybe in the mountains, but there are far from here, so no worries there," Casey says. "And second, why would you do that?"

I blink a few times. What is wrong with Casey? Can't he see how dangerous I am? Why can't he take this seriously?

I feel the anger rumbling in my chest again and I narrow my eyes.

"Are you crazy?" I ask. "Can't you see how dangerous this is!?"

"And can't you see how helpful this is? I mean, it's some sort of a superpower!"

This takes me aback.

"And you didn't do it for the first time, right?" Casey continues. "You did it back with the frogs, didn't you?"

I give a little nod.

"April, you saved us," Casey says. "Without you, we'd never have made it out of there."

"But I…" I don't know how to go on and bite down my lip.

"But you what?" Casey asks. "Could have accidentally make one of the turtles jump from that tree to certain death? I don't think so, April."

"Why not!?" I yell. "Who knows what I can do when I get angry!? I could do anything, Casey, anything!"

"Like saving us again? Yes, most definitely."

"Casey! Why don't you understand!?"

"No, April, _you_ don't understand." Casey shakes his head.

I inhale sharply.

"Have you totally lost it!?"

"No, I don't think so. You just need to practice."

I'm about to jump to my feet and kick Casey out of my room, but before I can do that, he places a hand on my shoulder. This puts off my stride, so I keep sitting on the floor, looking confusedly at Casey's hand on my shoulder.

"April, you can do this. Just don't shut yourself away again, okay?" He leans a little closer. "You are not alone in this." He gives my shoulder a little squeeze. "I repeat: You are _not_ alone in this."

And with this he gets up and leaves my room.

I am so confused that I can just watch him leave.

When he closes the door behind him, I just pull up my knees and hug them.

It takes me a while to realize that the door is still not barred, and I slowly get up to shift the dresser back in place.

As I walk over to the door I can hear how the brothers come back.

My hands are already on the dresser, but I remove them again and reach for the door handle, cautiously opening the door.

I can hear their voices, although I don't understand what they say. They don't sound cheerful, they don't laugh like they usually do when they come back from training. There's no bragging coming from Mikey and no annoyed growls from Raph.

Something's not quite right, and it preys on my mind to find out what is going on, to be with them.

I take a deep breath and leave my room.

When I descend the stairs it's getting more and more obvious that something is wrong. Their voices sound a bit worried. I walk over to the living room. A bit unsure of what to do next, I just stop in the doorway and look inside.

Mikey, Raph, and Casey are standing around, looking a bit forlorn.

Slowly, I enter the living room. Looking over to the couch, I realize that Donnie's kneeling there and attending to Leo. Leo's arm is resting over his face, so I can only presume that he's in pain. But Donnie looks worried. They all look worried.

I bite my lip.

Raph and Mikey look at me a bit confused, but they don't say anything.

"What happened?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Leo's leg," Mikey explains just as quietly. "It sort of gave out when he tried to walk without his cane for too long."

"I see."

We stand there in silence while Donnie is working.

The atmosphere is heavy and dark. It almost feels like Leo's pain is floating around in the room and affecting us all.

It's the moment when I remember something.

When I had woken up on this couch and gotten angry about them, I had sent them away because I couldn't stand their worried faces. And the turtles had fled to the other end of the room. They had run. All of them, even Leo.

I didn't think much about it back then, actually, I didn't really think about it until now, my brain was too loaded with other things at that time, but now, I can see it clearly.

Leo had run. There had been no limping, no giving in of his knee, he had just run. And even when he had turned back to look at me, there had been no pain expression on his face. Only when my spell or my grip on his mind or whatever else that's called had been over, he had needed his cane again.

I am not completely sure what to make of this, but it seems to be important. I better let Donnie know about it later.

 _Donnie…_

I flinch a little at the thought of talking to him again. I'm afraid of what he might tell me. Of what he might have seen. Again.

I shrink back a little. Suddenly the solitude of my room feels so much more appealing than the living room with this pain-filled atmosphere and the hurtful memories.

But before I can make a run for my room, I feel a hand on my shoulder.

I turn my head to look into Casey's concerned eyes.

I can hear his words again in my head.

 _You are not alone in this._

Well, it's not like I _want_ to be alone in this. But what if I have to? For my friends, for my family?

Panic presses against my chest, but Casey moves a little closer to me as if he wants to emphasize his words from before.

And suddenly, the panic falters and finally fades completely when he gives my shoulder a squeeze.

I am not alone in this.

He has a point.

And just like that the heavy atmosphere in the room doesn't feel so frightening any longer.

When Donnie is done attending to Leo and decides that his oldest brother should get some rest, Casey removes his hand from my shoulder, gently, carefully, and just in time before Donnie sets eyes on us.

The warmth of Casey's hand is still lingering on my shoulder, but it fades too quickly, leaving me feeling a bit chilly, and I instinctively wrap my arms around myself.

There's a frown on Donnie's forehead, and when he sets eyes on me, I am not sure if it's the worries about his brother or me that bring this frown to his face. I hope for the former, of course, although I'd prefer if he didn't frown at all.

I still can't stand it when Donnie worries over me. I am pretty sure he worries over me more often than I realize, but as long as I don't have to see it, I can block it out. But not when he's directly looking at me with a frown on his face.

It makes me drop my gaze and set my jaw into a hard line.

"So, who's hungry?" Mikey asks in a cheerful voice, maybe too cheerful, given the circumstances. But that's just Mikey being Mikey. He's a little angel.

Raph reacts to it with a huff, but he doesn't slap Mikey or growl or say anything mean, so I presume he's at least a little hungry himself.

Casey is the one who jumps at the opportunity to bring up a different topic - and something into his belly, maybe - and replies, "I am!"

His voice is not as cheerful as Mikey's, but he's trying, and it's a lot better than what I could have mustered up.

Mikey shoves us out of the room, promising Leo he'd bring him a sandwich later.

This reminds me of something, but I can't really put my finger on it.

It's only when Mikey opens the fridges and calls out, "Hey, what happened to the sandwiches!?" that I remember that I took them all with me to my room.

Now might be the time to run to my room after all.


	11. Chapter 10

_Thanks to BelatedBeliever1127 for her awesome beta-work again. *hugs*_

* * *

By the time we finish lunch, Mikey has finally forgiven me for taking nearly all the sandwiches - and his beloved pizza leftovers - to my room in an attempt to hoard food.

He just says that I must have been hungry and he understands, and that's it.

We don't go any deeper into the topic of me locking myself away again, and this suits me just fine. I wouldn't know what to say anyway.

That I tried to protect them? That I'm sorry? That I wouldn't do it again?

Truth is, I don't know. Maybe I would do it again if I had to. But Casey made me understand that I am not alone in this. Not yet, at least.

We'll see what they'll say when I accidentally make Mikey poison them all when he prepares lunch.

Because I mind-controlled Donnie.

I flinch at this thought when what had meant to be a joke in my head turns into this terrible fact.

I mind-controlled Donnie.

Casey shifts a little closer to me in his seat, and I relax a bit.

All I can say is that it happened - the mind-control-thing, that I locked myself away again, that Casey - and my empty stomach - got me to leave my room, it all happened.

And it is over. Now.

I've left my room, and that's the important thing. And I did it because I am not alone - and maybe because locking myself away wouldn't really help with the mind-control-stuff anyway.

I can only protect them when I understand what I did back there and how. And I need their help to do so. I need _Donnie's_ help to do so.

This thought sends a shiver down my spine and Casey shifts even closer, and I can only think that just a few inches more and he'll fall off his chair.

The thought makes me giggle a little bit on the inside.

When Mikey gets up to bring Leo his sandwich and a glass of orange juice, I think of joining him for a moment.

But I decide against it the last second. I can't talk to Leo about what I had realized earlier because it doesn't really make sense in my head yet.

It might give him hope to heal completely, and this hope would be crushed and Leo with it when it turns out that I am wrong.

No, this is another thing I have to talk to Donnie about.

I look over at Donnie. He's silently looking at his now empty plate and not even pretending that he's listening to Raph's statements about tomorrow's training plan.

Luckily, Raph's just talking to fill the silence anyway, so he doesn't count on anyone listening to him.

Donnie knows about their training plan in every detail, he always does, and the only one who forgets about training on a daily basis has just left the room.

At least Donnie has the grace to absently nod his head every once in a while.

When Mikey comes back from the living room, Raph gets up almost immediately, finishing his comments to today's training in quite a haste as he brings his plate to the sink and leaves.

I don't even have to wonder where he's going, it's too obvious anyway. Raph's the one who'll always look after his brothers, especially when they are hurt, but he hates being watched showing too much of his soft side. So he prefers to be alone with whoever is hurt or sick.

I get up, too. Mikey's already taking care of the dish-washing, and for a moment I think of helping him, but Donnie's side glance reminds me that there are more important things for me to do at the moment.

Donnie leaves for the barn with his makeshift lab, and I know I should follow him. I really shouldn't delay this any longer.

But I don't feel like talking to Donnie.

"Hey, Mikester, need some help?" Casey asks.

"Sure thing, Casey-boy," Mikey replies.

I twist my mouth just a little when I realize that Casey has deprived me of my escape plan anyway.

With a choked sigh I give in and make my way to the barn.

Finding myself at the entrance of the barn again, hesitating again, trying to figure out what to say again, it feels a bit like a déjà vu. And of course it brings back the memory of the mind-control-incident.

I shake my head forcefully, straighten up and enter the barn in a quick pace.

Donnie turns to me the moment I enter, which really is no wonder given the fact that I set my feet on the ground with such force that an elephant would be considered fleet-footed compared to me.

"We have to talk!" I say too loudly, when I stop in front of Donnie.

He just gives a slight nod. "Okay."

A few moments pass and I realize that Donnie's waiting for me to speak up.

Unfortunately, I haven't thought any further than entering the barn and telling him that we have to talk.

I slouch my shoulders a little when I try to quickly come up with something to say.

"Back in the basement, do you...do you…"

Remember anything?

Know what I did to you?

I shake my head.

"Can you…"

Tell me what exactly happened to you?

Explain what the heck is going on with me?

I shake my head again.

"Can we…"

Go on with finding out what exactly is happening to me?

Run these tests you mentioned?

Hug again, so this terrible feeling will go away?

I see Donnie's feet moving closer to me and it's only know that I realize I must have dropped my gaze at some point.

Donnie's arms wrap around me and he pulls me in an embrace.

My head shoots up as an icy jolt runs down my spine.

Did I somehow mind-control him again?

I turn my head so I can check his eyes. He's looking at the barn's entrance, his eyes unfocused, but they're brown, brown and warm.

Happily, I wrap my arms around his neck and press against his plastron. He replies by tightening his arms around me. He doesn't feel stiff at all, he feels like the Donnie I know, and I close my eyes to indulge in this feeling.

When I finally let go of him, after what feels like centuries later, but somehow still too soon, he loosens his arms around me and moves his hands to let them rest on my shoulders.

"You looked like you could need a hug," he says.

I quickly wipe away one happy tear that has made it to my left eye.

"Yeah," I reply. "I so did."

We stand for a moment, and I realize that Donnie's again waiting for me to start talking.

I sigh.

"Donnie…" I begin, but again, I have no idea how to go on.

Another moment passes, and I take a deep breath, dropping my gaze to the floor.

"I don't know how to begin this," I admit.

"It's about what happened back in the basement, right?" Donnie says, and I look up at him.

I just nod.

"What do you want to know?" he asks further.

I am not sure if I want to know anything at all, but I have to.

"What exactly …" I stop again, taking a deep breath. "What exactly … do you remember?"

Donnie closes his eyes.

He removes his hands from my shoulders, and I realize how much I've been holding on to his touch. I feel chilly now.

Donnie keeps his eyes closed.

"It's hard to explain," he says, furrowing his brow. "First, you were coming toward me, making these weird noises, and then suddenly, it felt like a wave was running through the room. It pressed against my lungs and drained the noise from the room. And when it faded, we were in the basement and you started crying."

Donnie opens his eyes again, but keeps his eyes on the floor, still frowning.

"You … have no idea what happened in the meantime?"

He shakes his head.

But then he quickly turns his head and looks at me.

"But you do, don't you?" he asks.

I nod.

I mind-controlled him, that's what I did.

But it's one thing to tell myself about it, to tell Casey about it, but to tell Donnie himself? That's a totally different thing.

"I … I…." I inhale sharply.

"I mind-controlled you," I say so quickly, I'm not sure if Donnie can follow.

His eyes widen. He understood. Of course.

I wait for a yelp, for the shock in his eyes, but Donnie just shakes his head deliberately.

"Yeah, I thought so," he says.

I blink in surprise.

I mind-controlled and all I get as a reaction is that _he thought so_!?

What is _wrong_ with people lately?

First Casey, now Donnie.

Don't they understand?

I friggin' mind-controlled Donnie!

Where's the fear, where's the panic?

Why on earth do they all have to be so understanding!?

I feel the anger rumble in my chest again.

I want to scream, I want to let the anger out, but it feels wrong here in front of Donnie.

I mean, I _mind-controlled_ him!

I can't also wreak my anger on him.

I inhale sharply, trying really hard to swallow my anger. I manage somehow, but it leads to a lump in my throat that makes it hard to breathe.

"So, what now?" I utter.

Donnie shrugs. "I don't know."

Of course, he doesn't know. I don't even know myself. And I am the one who said we had to talk.

Donnie's shifting uneasily, and I realize I have to say something.

"So, we are all good now?" I ask.

His eyes widen.

"Of course we are!" Donnie says hastily. "From my side, I mean."

"And from my side, too," I reply.

But I know it's not done with that.

"And I'm sorry," I add.

Donnie blinks. "For what?"

"For …. for …" I drop my gaze to to floor, fiddling around with the hem of my shirt.

I get angry with myself for my hesitation and give a frustrated groan before I raise my head quickly.

"For treating you the way I did," I say in one breath and a bit too loudly.

"And for locking myself away from you guys," I add at a normal volume. "I just thought that I …" I break off and drop my gaze again.

Seriously, I've looked longer at the floor of the barn today than I have since we arrived at the farmhouse.

Donnie's hands are on my shoulders again the next moment. They're warm and gentle and reassuring.

I look up at Donnie and he smiles at me.

"It's okay," he says.

His eyes are so friendly, so alive. I simply bathe in them.

And before I even know what I'm doing, I jump up and fling my arms around Donnie's neck.

I catch him by surprise, I can tell by the fact, that he stumbles forward and leans down a bit, so my feet touch the floor again.

But I keep my arms around Donnie's neck and press my face against the warm skin of his chest right above where skin meets plastron.

I can feel something rumble and his chest, and suddenly, Donnie giggles.

It's his dorky giggle, the one I've heard a few times before in similar situations.

It feels so familiar, so natural, and for the first time, I realize how much I've missed it, how much I've missed being around Donnie, how much I've missed when he's acting weird around me.

I realize how much I've missed Donnie.

I give a relieved sigh and tighten my grip on him.

Donnie reacts by locking his arms around me.

For the first time in what feels like an eternity I feel comfortable with myself. I feel safe here in Donnie's arms. I feel like myself again.

When we let go of each other again, Donnie avoids my gaze, probably because he thinks I wouldn't realize the little blush on his cheeks then, but I do. And it's another thing I've missed.

I bite down my lip to keep the smirk trying to make its way on my face at bay.

"Uhm, what next?" Donnie asks.

I shrug. "I'm not sure."

"We … uhm … we could run these tests we had been talking about before," Donnie says.

I have to give it to him that he doesn't explain what exactly the "before" is. It's still hard to hear.

And I can't believe that he has just suggested what I had come to ask him anyway.

It leaves me dumbfounded. I really had thought I would have to persuade him, to explain why I even want to go on with this.

But that he wants to continue just like that, that's a surprise. And a relief.

"Actually, I wanted to suggest the same thing," I admit.

Donnie smiles at me.

"But you have to keep me away from Kraang-tech!" I add quickly.

Donnie's smile turns into a grin. "Deal!"

On our way back to the farmhouse Donnie's steps are buoyant, and I have to confess that my feet don't feel so heavy either.

When I turn my head a little, I see that my tentacles are hanging loosely at my sides and that they swing back like strands of hair.

It's a weird feeling, but not bad. I shake my head a little to feel it again.

"Uhm, April?"

When Donnie calls me from the porch, I realize that I have fallen back - and that I must look pretty weird, walking really slowly and shaking my head.

I stop with a giggle.

"Coming!" I call out and catch up with Donnie.

I want to enter when Donnie holds out his hand and stops.

I give him a confused look.

"Sorry," he apologizes. "I just thought of something."

"Oh?" I raise my brows.

"Don't you think we should tell the others?" he asks.

I shrink back a little.

"I-I just think they should know," Donnie explains quickly. "What has happened and what we are up to. They could help."

I feel a lump build in my throat again.

But I've managed to tell Casey and Donnie, so it shouldn't be so hard to tell the rest of the guys, right?

Okay, I have some doubts there. But Donnie has a point. They should know. Not only so they could help, but also so they could save themselves if things go totally downhill. I flinch a little at this thought.

Donnie obviously misinterprets this. "It's up to you, of course!" he says.

I shake my head.

"No, you're right," I reply. My voice is low because of the lump in my throat.

Donnie frowns a bit, but then his face turns into a smirk.

"Yeah, I tend to be," he says with a wink.

The lump is still there in my throat, but the snort that escapes my mouth makes it a bit less hard to breathe. And I can't help, but bump into him playfully when I push past him to get inside.


	12. Chapter 11

_Many thanks and hugs to BelatedBeliever1127 for her awesome beta-work.  
_

* * *

Now that I'm standing here in the living room, all their eyes on me expectantly, I am not sure about this any longer.

Donnie has brought them all to the living room. Well, Mikey and Casey at least who were still in the kitchen busy with the dishes. Raph already was in the living room, keeping Leo company - and just coincidentally making sure that Leo was fine.

Leo has even managed to sit up for my speech - and for making room for Mikey and Raph who are now sitting next to him -, although he has a hurt look on his face which he tries to hide. He can't fool me or the others, though.

But I decide to not pay too much attention and concentrate on what's lying ahead of me. There's nothing I can do for Leo now anyway.

I take a deep breath.

I feel a bit, no, a lot insecure with their eyes on me. It was easier to talk to Casey and Donnie, I must confess because I only had to deal with one pair of eyes back then.

I look at the two of them. They have taken up their station behind the couch, and Donnie gives me an encouraging smile, but I still hesitate. This is harder than I thought.

I close my eyes for a moment and hope that the words would somehow appear in front of my mind's eye and I'd just have to read them off - which doesn't happen, of course. That would have been too easy, I guess.

When I open my eyes again, I realize that Mikey has bent forward, the hurt look on Leo's face has intensified, Raph's looking at me with an angry frown, and Casey has put his arms on the back of the couch. It's only Donnie that is still standing there upright with the same encouraging smile on his face.

I guess I've kept my eyes closed longer than just a few seconds.

"I-I…," I say quickly, but then the words leave me again, and I break off.

But the fact that the hurt expression on Leo's face deepens even more makes me speak up again.

"I … don't know how to begin this," I say, which actually isn't the best start to my speech, but I choose to just go with it and keep talking, no matter what.

So the words just bubble from my lips, telling them nearly everything that comes to my mind. I only falter when I realize that I've gotten stuck at something unnecessary - they really don't need to know every little detail about my time in my room - and then go on with the main story, until I get lost with unnecessary details again.

"So, the thing is that I seem to be able to mind-control others," I end my speech.

It's only then that I realize that this actually is the essence of what I wanted to tell them anyway. A few introductory remarks and I would have been done with this in a few moments - and not going on and on and on for what felt like an eternity.

A few moments in silence pass.

"Aaaaaaaaand this is it?" Mikey finally asks.

I nod.

"Oh good, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know any more about the bathroom-problem when you were locked in your room," he says.

I blink at him.

"Mikey, did you hear stand what I just said?" I ask.

"Yeah, you said it was really hard back in your room when you needed to go to the bathroom and had to come up with something since you couldn't leave your room, and then you broke off and talked about the shower-problem..."

"Not that!" I break in on him. "I said I can mind-control others!"

"Oh yes," Mikey says. "That too."

My jaw drops at this, but I quickly shut my mouth again. This is just Mikey being Mikey. I bet the others are more shocked by my recent revelation.

I look at Leo who doesn't look shocked in the slightest way.

When he finds my gaze upon him, he shifts a bit.

"Well, that explains a few things," is all he says.

I fight back the urge to yell at him for being so careless.

Well, at least there's Raph. And Raph is always super-protective when it comes to his brothers. And I mind-controlled Donnie! I bet this will get his infamous temper going. Actually, I'm wondering why he hasn't jumped up and started yelling at me yet, but I guess, this information just needs a little time to sink in.

But when I turn my attention to Raph I realize that today of all days is the day his temper lets me down.

He just shrugs.

"Yeah, explains a few things," he repeats Leo's words before he crosses his arms over his plastron.

My jaw drops again, and this time I don't close my mouth again. The feeling of pure bafflement is so overwhelming, it just drains all the energy from me for a moment. But then the all too familiar anger rumbles in my chest and makes its way up to my throat, choking me. I clench my hands into fists, a slight shiver running down my spine. And then I let it all out.

"Have you totally lost it!?" I scream. It makes them all jump, and now it's their jaws that drop.

But I just go on.

"I tell you that I can mind-control people, and all I get as a reply is that it's cool and that you thought so and that this explains a few things!?" I take a sharp breath. "Don't you _get_ it!? I'm dangerous! I am life-threatening! I...I…"

I break off, panting for air. They all still look at me surprised, but not scared.

"April," Leo speaks up. "We don't think that you are danger…"

"But I am!" I cut in.

I feel angry tears prickle in my eyes, and I can't stand any longer, their carelessness, their stupidity, their ignoring of the obvious.

I have to get out of here, and so I just leave with furious, stomping steps, just out of the living room, out of the farmhouse and into the woods.

I don't even know what I want in the woods. There's nothing there for me. I am too angry to train, I am too angry to enjoy the silence of the woods, I am too angry to do anything.

Only after a while I understand what exactly I wanted.

I wanted one of the guys to follow. It's only when I find out that no one is following me that I realize that I had unconsciously expected this, that I had hoped someone would follow me.

That they let me go out into the woods on my own when I am this angry, fuels my anger even more.

I'm clenching my fists so hard that my knuckles turn white. My breathe comes in short pants because the anger presses against my chest so hard that breathing is a challenge.

I know that I have to get rid of this anger somehow. And soon.

I let my eyes wander over my surroundings. There isn't much here to vent on.

Except for trees, that is.

So I walk over to one of the trees and start punching it.

My fingers are so numb from the clenching it takes a while for the pain to hit me, but I just grit my teeth and go on. As long as the anger is there, I can't stop, I must not stop.

At some point I sink to my knees, panting for air, sweating, and exhausted. Only then, I notice how much exactly my hands are hurting. I look down at them and realize that my tree-punching has left them with bleeding scrapes.

When I try to move my fingers, I hiss in pain.

So I just turn around and lean my back against the tree.

I close my eyes, and again, I am not sure what exactly I am waiting for.

That someone would finally come for me? I should know better than that.

I heave a sigh.

Why exactly do I want them to come and get me anyway? Just a few moments ago - or hours, I have no idea how much time has passed - I've told them how dangerous I am, how dangerous it is to be around me, that there are so many things I could do to them.

Very clever, April! Of course they'd come after you immediately after that!

I bang the back of my head against the trunk, adding another sort of pain to to the pain in my hands.

I try to tell myself that I don't care, but I do.

And it's not only the pain that bothers me. I can live with some pain.

But there's more to it, although I can't put my finger on it.

That the guys have taken my confession so flippantly really eats away on me, but I am not sure what would have been better if they had reacted the way I thought they'd react.

I decide to go through this scenario in my head.

I close my eyes and concentrate on the reactions I had expected. I visualize the shock, the fear in Mikey's, Leo's and Raph's eyes, Mikey shifting away, Raph jumping up, ready to defend his brothers if he has to - and also hiding his own fear as well as he can.

I can feel my body tense up, I feel something cold and heavy building in my stomach.

I shift back, I try to get some distance between their fearful faces and me.

But as I take a step back, I feel something else, something that makes the cold feeling in my stomach fade a little and the tension in my body go away.

I stop with going through this scenario and bring this feeling into focus. I am not sure what it is, but I realize that it is important to find out. I have to know what it is. I have to know to understand.

It makes me feel more comfortable, everything seems a bit easier.

And then I get it.

It's relief.

My eyes shoot open at this sudden realization.

I hadn't hoped for them to react more negatively because it would have been a logical reaction. I had hoped for them to react this way because I thought I deserved it.

I wanted them to neglect me.

I draw in a sharp breath.

The realization chokes me a bit, and I let a deep breath follow which makes it a bit easier.

So, I unwittingly wanted them to neglect me, maybe even hate me.

I bury my face in my hands.

I think I deserve to be hated.

And why?

Because I hate that I've turned into a half-Kraang.

I hate my tentacles. I hate that I don't have them under control.

I hate…

I can't proceed this thought.

I remove the hands from my face and climb to my feet.

I have to get moving.

And so I start walking, then I start running and keep running, deeper and deeper into the woods.

I stop running when my panting breath starts hurting in my lungs, but I keep walking, but at some point, I can't even walk any longer, and I stop.

I look around. I think I've never been to this part of the woods. But it does look a bit familiar in a way. Maybe I've been here with my father all these years ago.

When I hear running water, I go in that direction. My throat is very dry and I wouldn't mind a drink.

I reach a river. And then I remember.

It's what I had called the "rocky river" as a child because of the rocks in the middle and its banks full of stones. My father and I had spent hours here, back when my father had decided that fishing would be the perfect pastime for a psychologist.

And I give a light giggle when I remember how clumsy he had been with his fishing rod and how funny he had looked in his fishing gear - the gumboots, the hat, the vest, all way too typical to be taken seriously. I remember that even my mum had bitten down her lips when my father had stood in front of her in his gear for the very first time.

Of course, we hadn't told him. We had just said that he looked like a real fisherman, and then he had left for the river. Sometimes, I had accompanied him, wearing a cute shirt, my jeans jumpsuit, and my beloved yellow gumboots. I can even remember how it had felt slipping into these boots. I had always felt giddy with excitement when I did.

These boots had been a sign that something awesome was lying ahead of me.

These boots had been holding the promise of adventure.

Dad hadn't been very good with fishing.

Seriously, it had been a miracle when he had caught a fish.

At some point, I had picked up this habit of splashing through the water a bit upstream in an attempt of driving the fish towards him.

It hadn't worked, of course. I know that now, but back then, I had been convinced that the few fish my father had caught had all been to my efforts.

These had been my little adventures back then, helping my father catch fish. My little adventures in yellow gumboots.

For a moment I can see my father standing at the riverbank in his fishing gear, concentrating on the water and his fishing rod.

It makes me smile.

But then I remember why I have originally come here and walk over to the riverbank, kneel down and bring some water to my mouth with cupped hands.

The water tastes delicious.

When I'm done drinking, I see my reflection in the water.

I can't help, but look at it, although I know it's a bad idea.

My face still looks human and if I concentrate on it, I could almost convince myself that I still am human.

But it's the tentacles that give me away. They waver and I can see them in my reflection, too.

I press my lips together.

I hate these tentacles! I hate how I look!

I hit the water with my flat hand and lean back.

I hate ME!

I take a few panting breaths.

There, it is out. The thought I hadn't been able to proceed earlier.

I hate me.

I hate me because I am half-Kraang. I hate me because I no longer look human. I hate me because I can mind-control people.

And I hate that the others still like me, that they still think I am harmless and that they can help me.

No one can help me! I am half-Kraang! I am hideous! And there's nothing anyone could do about it. It's in my DNA, it's a part of me. Not even Donnie could do anything about it.

I bury my face in my hands and finally let the tears flow. And it's not only the angry tears from before. It's frustrated, helpless, desperate tears as well.

Suddenly I feel a pair of arms wrap around me. I don't even flinch. I should have known.

I just lean back against the warm chest and cry.


	13. Chapter 12

_As always, I want to thank my beta BelatedBeliever1127. :)_

* * *

At some point, he leans forward, bringing his face closer to mine, not caring about my tentacles which are limp now anyway.

I can feel the warmth radiating from his cheek.

"You do know I almost got lost in these stupid woods looking for you, right?" Casey asks.

I can't help, but laugh at this, although my laugh is muffled by my tearful voice.

Casey smiles. I can feel it. It feels like his cheek is even warmer now.

"That explains why it took you so long," I reply.

Now it's Casey's turn to give a little laugh.

"All these trees look the same, I swear!"

I giggle at this.

I don't care any longer that he didn't come after me right away. I don't care about my tentacles. I don't care that he didn't get afraid of me.

All I care about now is that he's here. Finally.

And I realize that I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to come after me.

Sitting here with Casey's arms around me feels right. It makes _me_ feel right.

So we just sit there for a little longer, and to be honest, I thought I could sit like this forever, but Casey starts shifting.

"We should get going," he says, loosening his grip on me a bit. It takes me more self-control than I had thought to not just grab his arms to keep them in place.

"You're shivering," he continues, and it's only then that I figure he's right.

I had concentrated so much on Casey's warm arms, his warm cheek, his warm chest, that I hadn't come aware that my feet and my legs are very, very cold. And this cold has made it up my body now, and I shiver a bit.

Reluctantly, I allow Casey to let go of me and get to his feet.

But when he holds his hand out to me to help me up, I smile again.

I take his hand and don't let go of it on our way back through the woods.

But the closer we get to the farmhouse, the slower my steps become until I'm simply dragging my feet.

Casey realizes, of course, but he just falls in step with me. And he even stops when I stop.

I stare into the direction of the farmhouse with Casey standing next to me.

He doesn't say anything.

I guess he understands that it is hard for me to go back there. But he doesn't push me.

Yes, that's the Casey I like. The non-pushy Casey, the understandable Casey.

I take a deep breath.

Casey seems to have waited for me to do something else than just staring at the farmhouse because he takes the chance to speak up.

"Think you can handle it, Red?" he asks.

"I'm not sure," I reply.

"They aren't mad, if that's what you are afraid of," he says.

"I wish they were," I mumble silently.

But Casey hears me because he gives my hand a gentle squeeze.

"April…," he whispers.

I keep my eyes locked on the farmhouse.

"It would have made things so much…"

More logical?

Understandable?

"Easier?" Casey suggests, and the realization makes me quickly turn my head to face him.

"Yes," I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

It's exactly that - easier. If they were angry with me, if they hated me, I could lock myself away or run away into the woods. I could tell myself that I had to be alone because everyone else hated me, I could hate myself because everyone else hated me, and I could avoid everyone because they wouldn't want me to be around them anyway. Yes, easier, that's what it would be.

Casey furrows his brows and shakes his head slightly while he drops his gaze.

But after a moment he looks up at me again, a big grin plastered on his face.

"Well, you know we never take the easy option!" he says and all of a sudden, he jumps forward, making a run for the farmhouse, and because he's still holding my hand, he's dragging me along.

"Come on, April!" he calls out. "Don't tell me you're really that slow!"

As much as I am afraid of entering the farmhouse again, Casey's plan works because I can't help, but laugh as I try to keep up with him.

We reach the farmhouse, breathless with running and laughing.

I lean a bit forward as a try to catch my breathe.

The door opens and I raise my gaze to find Raph looking at us with a twisted mouth.

"Having fun?" he asks.

"Yep," Casey replies and sets into motion to squeeze past Raph and get inside.

The tug on my arm makes me realize that we are still holding hands, and I quickly let go.

Casey stops for a split-second, but then keeps going.

It's only then that I realize it might have been the better idea to let Casey drag me inside because now I'm facing Raph, and I'm facing Raph alone.

I bite my lower lip under his gaze, unsure of what to do.

Raph takes his time to fold his arms over his plastron and look me over. For a moment, I even hope that it takes him so long that Mikey or Donnie or maybe even Leo decide to greet me at the door, but they don't.

It's just Raph and me, and Raph is always hard to read and you never know what to expect from him. He could just yell at you for acting totally stupid or hug you or ...

"Calmed down?" Raph asks finally, breaking my train of thought.

I nod.

"Good," Raph says and steps to the side to let me inside.

I let out the breathe I just now realize I have been holding in a sigh.

When I'm on a level with him he places a hand on my shoulder.

Raph has barely touched me before I had turned into a creepy half-alien, and he has never touched me afterwards, and I stop out of surprise and look at him with wide eyes, my mouth open.

Raph quickly removes his hand.

"Sorry," he mumbles.

"No," I say. "It's totally okay."

I am a bit unsure of what to do, so I just smirk at Raph and playfully bump my shoulder against his plastron, leaning against him a split-second longer than necessary so he knows I mean it, before I move along.

We all gather in the living room, and again, I have to give it to the guys that they don't act like something unusual has happened. No one asks for an explanation, and I am not sure if I want to give them one anyway.

I guess they're just happy that I'm back. Of course, I have no idea what they talked about and decided while I was away, but if it affects me in any way, they'll tell me about it in time.

But this evening is for relaxation only.

And we all need it - Leo to get better, me to settle in again, and the rest to let a bit of the tension that is lingering all around us because of our circumstances fade away.

Leo's lying on the couch again, his bad knee supported by a cushion. Donnie has squeezed on the couch next to Leo's feet, while Raph and Mikey have settled down on the floor before the couch. Casey has taken over the wing chair. I've moved the wooden chair a bit to the back of the room.

The official explanation is that I am afraid my tentacles could block their view of the TV if I sit down before them, and that's not even a lie. But it's not the only reason, of course.

The other reason is that I feel a bit uncomfortable when people are behind me. I get the feeling like they'd look at me all the time because, really? Who _wouldn't_ look at someone in front of them if this someone had some weird tentacles coming out from the back of their head?

And even if they wouldn't look at me, I'd still feel like they would.

So no front row for April for, well, the rest of her life.

I try to concentrate on the movie we decided to watch earlier. It's the science fiction-movie I had watched together with Casey and Irma back in New York, the one I gave the rating _best movie ever!_ , the one I got totally hyped about.

I guess that's the reason why Casey suggested it.

I keep my eyes on the TV, but the plot doesn't feel as exciting anymore. Actually, it feels pretty boring.

But I do have the decency to gasp and widen my eyes at the right moments. It's a good thing I watched the movie again twice after I had watched it with my friends, so I know when the scenes I need to react to come up.

But this movie brings back some memories. Memories of Irma, to be precise.

I still can't believe that she had been a Kraang-spy all the time. I can't believe that our friendship had been a lie, just a trick to get close to me and gain my trust.

I am still not completely sure what her, no, what Kraang Subprime's motive has been. Was it just to make me guide her, I mean, _it_ to the turtles? Or was another reason to get my DNA to perfect the mutagen?

I don't know.

Both makes sense. But it doesn't explain why the Kraang still tried to kidnap me when they had this spy right next to me all along. Maybe to keep up appearances that they were still after me? But why would they have been after me if they knew where I was and where to find me for more than a year? They could have gotten my DNA ages ago without kidnapping me.

On the other hand, that whole DNA-thing had only appeared a while ago. At first, Kraang Prime tried to drain some energy or whatever from my powers. It wasn't about the DNA back then.

Or does this mean Irma hasn't been a Kraang all along?

This would make sense, too. And it would make me feel not as bad. Yes, it would make me feel bad for Irma who probably has been kidnapped by the Kraang - if not anything worse which I don't dare to think about - to get Kraang Subprime in her place and then send the Footbots after us so I'd lead them to the lair. Which I did. Stupid me.

I still try not to think about this huge mistake I made. But it is hard because all the bad things that have happened - Leo's injuries, that Splinter got defeated by Shredder -, they are all my fault.

And all that because I hadn't realized that my best friend hadn't been human.

I should have been able to sense it. But I had come to know Irma long before these mental powers-thing has started. So maybe that was the reason why I couldn't sense anything. Or maybe it's a sign for my kidnap-theory.

On the other hand, the Kraang had found my father and me quite easily the night they had kidnapped us, the night I had met the brothers. So if Irma had already been a spy back then it would explain why they could find us so quickly.

I choke a sigh.

I can't believe that had only been a year ago. It feels like it had been in another lifetime.

In a lifetime where I had been completely human - or at least I had thought so. And I had looked like I was.

But that's over now.

A scene on the TV comes up where a silent yelp would be appropriate and I get it out just in time before anyone could get suspicious or realize that I am not really paying attention.

But after this scene my thoughts are back in the time when everything had been normal. Or had _looked_ normal.

But this time is gone. No use in crying over spilt milk.

I am so lost in these thoughts, I notice too late that one of my favorite scenes has been on, the one when they all fall into the star, and thus, I forget to gasp.

I cautiously glance at the others and the brothers seem like none of them has noticed. But when I look over to Casey from the corner of my eye, I see he has his face turned towards me and that his brow is probably furrowed. But since I can't get a better look at him without giving myself away, I am not completely sure.

This makes sense. Casey had seen my reaction to that scene first-hand, so me not giving any reaction at all now must have looked suspicious to him.

I make a mental note to be more careful and shift my concentration back to the TV. Well, as much of my concentration I need to not miss any important scenes again.

But the part of my brain that is not busy with paying attention to the movie is back with Irma almost immediately.

There still is this tiny hope deep inside me that my kidnap-theory is correct. It would make things easier, at least a little bit. This way, our whole friendship wouldn't have been lie. This way, I would have had a real best friend before I met the guys.

Yes, I really hope for this option. And that Irma is still alive. Somewhere. And safe. Or as safe as she can be in the Kraang's custody.

Another thrilling scene comes up, and my splitting attention-trick works and I gasp just in time.

But the movie is over before I can get anywhere with all my thinking.

I get up and stretch just like the others do, but then I am unsure of what to do next.

I note that Casey is looking at me again and he has this little frown on his face as if he is expecting something.

"This movie is so … great, right?" I ask, trying to put as much enthusiasm into my voice as I can muster, but the outcome is rather weak.

It only deepens Casey's frown and I fight the urge to drop my gaze.

Wittingly or unwittingly, Mikey comes to my aid.

"Oh yes, it is!" he cries out. "Such an amazing movie! I especially loved the scene where the captain is cornered by the monster and it is all slobber and fangs and goo. So amazing! Oh, or the explosion and when they fall into the star and then … ouch!"

He turns his head and shoots an angry glare at Raph, rubbing the back of his head where Raph's hand had hit him.

"Exciting movie, we get it," Raph growls.

"Are you sure?" Mikey replies. "Because if you do, why aren't you freaking out about the scene at the end when the spaceship is about to explode and … ha!"

He ducks out of Raph's reach with a triumphant grin - only to trip up on a wooden stool and land flat on his carapace.

This almost makes me giggle, but I can choke it just in time. Giggling now would be bad for my karma. Okay, I guess my karma is too messed up already anyway, so giggling at Mikey's mishap wouldn't do too much harm.

But I stick with my good manners.

Raph, however, grins broadly at Mikey.

On our way up the stairs the things that have happened recently catch up with me again.

I hesitate before I enter my room and look at the others.

"Sure you don't want to lock the door and throw away the key?" I ask, trying to laugh at my weak joke, but failing completely.

"Nah!" Mikey says with a big grin. "But we should consider wearing tinfoil hats, right, Donnie?" He turns to look at his brother. "You know, like we would have during Operation Spaced Out."

"Uhm … yes." Donnie gives a silent laugh before he moves over to his brother, gives him a reassuring pat on the carapace and leads him away towards their room.

This makes me giggle.

Casey seems to approve because the frown is gone from his face when he walks past me and wishes me a good night.


	14. Chapter 13

_As always, many thanks to my beta BelatedBeliever1127._

* * *

The next day Donnie, Raph, Mikey, and Casey are moving the Kraang-equipment Donnie might need from the basement to the barn.

Donnie has informed them during breakfast about our testing plans. They weren't even surprised.

Again, I had expected a little bit of surprise or fear or something similar, but again, I was mistaken.

They just agreed and Raph even gave one of his trademark shrugs.

Once more, I felt the urge to yell at them, but I fought it back.

If telling them about the mind-control incident where a piece of Kraang-technology has been involved hasn't alarmed them, me shouting at them at the top of my lungs wouldn't either.

So I just told them that I want to stay as far away from Kraang-technology as I can.

And that's the reason why I am here in the middle of a clearing in the woods with Leo. We are far enough from the farmhouse that I feel comfortable, but close enough that Leo can make it back without much difficulty. His leg is still hurting.

He wouldn't have admitted it, though. That's why I directly asked him to join me. I suggested meditating to make sure to get his attention, and it worked.

So, now we are here in the woods and meditating.

Well, Leo is meditating. I'm just trying.

My eyes are closed, I'm kneeling with my hands on my thighs, and I really am doing my best to concentrate on my breathing, to be one with the universe or whatever it is called, but my thoughts always drift back to the farmhouse and the Kraang-equipment, the pink-glowing, humming Kraang-equipment, humming and humming…

"You don't have to pretend that you're meditating," Leo says all of a sudden which makes me jump a little.

I quickly open my eyes and look over to him. He doesn't look like he has moved at all. He's still sitting in a position that's as close to kneeling as his hurt leg allows. His eyes are closed, and I would doubt my sense of seeing, if there hadn't creeped an amused smile on his face that hadn't been there when we had settled down.

"Sorry," I say and shift a bit, stretching out my one leg while pulling my other knee to my chin and hugging it. "I don't seem to be able to concentrate today."

"That's okay," Leo says, and again, it's only his moving lips and the amused line around his mouth that give him away.

I sigh and hug my knees a bit more tightly.

A few moments of silence pass, and it almost feels like I can hear the humming Kraang-technology reaching my ears in this moments of not speaking, the humming…

Again, Leo brings me back to reality.

"So, you wanna talk instead?" he asks and finally opens his eyes. And when he turns his head to look at me, I can see that not only is he still smiling, but his eyes are sparkling with amusement.

I am not sure if I should get angry at this or just smile back.

I decide for the latter. When in doubt, always decide for the not angry-option. And with my recent anger-issues, this really means something.

"Sure, why not?" I reply with a shrug.

We sit for a few moments in silence, and it takes me a while to understand that Leo is waiting for me to speak up.

"Uhm … what do you want to talk about?" I ask quickly.

He was the one who suggested talking, so should he decide for a topic.

Now it's Leo's turn to shrug.

"I don't know."

I twist my mouth at this. Maybe Leo should go back to meditating.

But then I detect a change. The amusement fades from his face and his eyes become earnest.

"We haven't touched the most obvious topic yet."

My heart sinks into my stomach and I feel a cold shiver run down my spine.

I open my mouth, but no words come out.

After all this time, after all these options Leo had to touch this tricky topic, he chooses this moment!?

Because I am at loss for words, I close my mouth again.

"I didn't mean to alienate you," Leo says. "I just thought it was about time."

I press my mouth into a hard line and rest my chin on my knee. I am not sure if this is the right moment at all.

I guess Leo has a point when he said it was about time, but I don't feel comfortable with it.

"You know the facts," I mumble, my voice muffled by my knee.

"I do," Leo replies. "But I don't know the most important thing."

I look up at him.

Leo smiles at me. It's not the amused smile from before, it's a gentle smile, a calming one.

"How you feel about it," he continues.

I bite my lip.

"Isn't it obvious?" I ask.

"Maybe," he replies with a little shake of his head. "But I want you to say it. You never talk about it, and I think you should let it out."

I know Leo is trying to help me, but something in his voice rubs me the wrong way. I have the impression that there's a self-complacent ring to it, and I can't stand it.

"You can't be serious," I say, and I can't keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"I am," Leo affirms, and it seems to me that the self-complacency grows even more.

"So, how does April O'Neil feel about this?" he adds.

And the way he says my name, the way he addresses me in third person, it makes something snap, and the anger rumbles in my chest and all too quickly makes its way up my throat and mouth and to my lips.

"How _April O'Neil_ feels about it!?" I yell, jumping to my feet. "Well, I'll tell you how she feels about it. She hates it! She hates it so, so much! She feels terrible and angry and lost at the same time!"

My breath comes in short pants at the end of my little speech.

Leo looks at me, totally unimpressed by my outburst, and I am not sure if I should be relieved about it or just slap him.

"You're angry," he says, and it sounds more like a statement. "That's good."

His calmness, his measuredness, it fuels my flaming anger so much that it presses so hard against my chest that I feel like I can't breathe.

"Oh yeah!?" I spit then. "You know what's not good? That no one _gets_ it!"

Leo's eyes widen and he sets his mouth in a hard line.

It's his first reaction to my outburst that isn't understanding and measured, and I can't help, but feel mischievous at this.

"What do you mean, no one gets it?" Leo asks.

"Easy," I retort. "No one knows what it's like!"

"Beg your pardon?" Leo says, and there's something in his voice that makes me feel a bit triumphant. " _We_ don't know what it's like? Does the words 'mutant turtle' mean anything to you?"

"It's not the same!"

"It isn't?"

"No, it isn't!"

"We know what it's like to have to hide!"

"But you don't know what it's like not to!"

The moment the words leave my mouth, I know I've gone too far.

It is one thing to get Leo to lose his cool, but it's a totally different thing to say something that hurts him.

I feel my heart tense up, but there's something else. I feel relieved.

Leo rises to his feet. His movements are calm, slow, maybe a little too slow. He takes his cane and leans on it, but not completely. He's taking a little bit weight off his bad leg, but not all of it.

"You are right, April," he says. His voice is composed, but it misses all the gentleness. In fact, it is cold and cuts through me like a blade.

It is the first time I realize something. When Leo can't use his katanas, his words can be just as deadly.

"We don't know what it's like," he continues, his voice just as calm, just as icy. "We don't know what it's like to walk on the streets, to hang out during the day, to go to school. We _don't_ know it!" His voice raises at the end and gets even louder with every word when he continues.

"And that's not even the worst thing!" - He's yelling by now. - "The worst thing is that even if the whole world would always look at us as freaks, we'll always be ninjas! But not with this!"

He nods his head towards his cane.

"Like this, I am not … I can't be … I … I … aaaaahhh!"

With an animal-like cry he hurls his cane to the ground. He looks at it, panting for air. Then he looks at me.

All my relief, all my happiness, my triumph about Leo losing his cool is gone, and I shrink back a little.

I feel very small and vulnerable.

And this is wrong.

Leo is the one who has been hurt by my words. He should be the one who feels that way, but he just looks angry.

He clenches his fists.

For a second, I think of jumping to my feet and hug him.

But this is wrong, too.

Leo doesn't need comfort. He looks strong, brave.

And I feel weak.

And before I can do anything, Leo sets into motion.

He walks away, limping a little bit, but not as if he'd need his cane.

Upright and strong, that's what he looks like when I watch him disappear into the direction of the farmhouse.

And I feel small and weak and alone.

I sink to the ground, pull up my knees and hug them tightly, making myself as small as possible. I rest my forehead on my knees, hiding my face.

I try to block everything out - the look on Leo's face when he got angry, his arched back when he had left, and most of all, I try to block out the feeling of having been left alone.

But I wanted it, I wanted exactly that, didn't I?

I told Leo that no one gets my situation, and I did everything to prove my point. And now Leo has left and I am alone. I should be happy now because I got my will, shouldn't I?

But I am not happy.

I feel even more miserable than ever before.

No matter how miserable I had felt before, no matter how long I had locked myself away, I had known that the guys would always be there, I just needed to open my arms and one of them - most probably Mikey if Donnie wasn't quick enough which most of the times, he wasn't - would hug me. I just needed to walk up to them, and they'd welcome me, no matter how uncomfortable they felt around me. They would have been there for me, if I wanted them to be or not. And they'd be even more there for me if I didn't want them to be.

Because they are my friends and they discovered my bluff long ago. Because they know me.

Donnie knew when I cut all connections with them after they accidentally mutated my father. And Casey knew when he lured me out of my room. And Mikey knew when he tossed food into my room through the open window.

They all know.

They all know that no matter how often I tell them to leave me alone, deep down inside me, I don't want them to. I want them to stay close by. I want them around me.

I don't want to be alone.

I need them, probably more than they need me - if they need me at all. I am not so sure about that.

And no matter how often I tried to stay away from them, how often I tried to hide, to actually be alone, it hurt like crazy, but I ignored it and buried this feeling deep under anger and stubbornness.

And I was afraid, so very afraid, that one day, they'll leave me. That I will be alone.

It has always been my secret, but obviously, I've never been good at keeping secrets, because they knew my fear.

But now for the very first time, Leo has shown me a glimpse of what it would be like and has left me alone.

It wasn't the same when I had told Mikey to leave me alone. He would never have left if I hadn't told him to, and he did it reluctantly. But Leo has left without me telling him to. He has left because I made him angry, because I offended him. He has left because he truly wanted to.

But what had I expected? That he would hug me, ignoring my anger and my hurtful words, and tell me that they get it, that _he_ gets it, if I believe him or not?

I feel a pang in my heart when I realize that this is exactly what I had expected.

I wouldn't have believed him, of course, but I would have bathed in his warm embrace and his kind words. And I wouldn't have been alone.

I feel tears prickle in my eyes and I let one or two run down my cheeks before I blink them away and get to my feet.

I owe Leo an apology. And maybe an explanation.

Having a plan and not just feeling miserable somehow gives me back some of my strength, although I still feel a bit weak. But I take a deep breath, straighten myself and set into motion.

But then I stumble.

With a curse on my lips I manage to regain my balance and look to the ground, trying to figure out what had caused my nearly-fall.

It's Leo's cane.

I pick it up. I had forgotten about it, but now I am glad I found it. I could use it as some sort of a white flag when approaching Leo, not that I am afraid he might attack me or something. But it's always good to have a reason to look for someone if you want to apologize. It takes some of the weight of the apology away because you are just looking for someone because you have another reason to look for them than just the apology. And giving Leo his cane back actually is a very good reason.

With a nod I set into motion again.

All the way to the farmhouse I think about what to tell Leo, but when I reach the area around the farmhouse, I lay eyes on Raph and Casey moving one very big item of Kraang-technology - it looks like some sort of a generator - over to the barn, and all my thoughts are wiped from my brain when I set eyes on it.

It's glistening in the sunlight, glowing, silver and pink, and it's humming, humming...

I let the cane drop to the ground and lunge forward.


	15. Chapter 14

_Many thanks to BelatedBeliever1127 for her awesome beta-work. :)_

 _And sorry, not sorry for the cliffy in the last chapter. ;)_

* * *

I don't know if they see me coming and I don't care. All I care about, all I see is this beautifully glistening item of Kraang-technology, and all I hear is this appealing humming.

I reach out to touch it as soon as possible, my tentacles are reaching for it as well, and it feels as if they are pulling me forward, no, as if they are pulling me along on their way to seize their object of desire.

I don't perceive much of my surroundings. I hear some yells, some movements, and suddenly I find myself on the ground.

I struggle, I squirm, I scream - or try to because all that leaves my mouth is an ear-piercing shriek.

There's pressure on my shoulders, my legs, and I know it's a lost cause, but I can't stop fighting. I can feel how my tentacles coil themselves around something warm, and the pressure on my one shoulder decreases, but then I hear another yell. It almost sounds like, "Help!" My tentacles are grabbed coarsely, and I can feel something pull on them. And then the warm something they had entwined is gone, and except for someone's hold on them, I can feel them wiggling in thin air.

But still, I can't stop fighting, and so I keep on struggling, only seeing the Kraang-item in my mind's eye.

There are murmurs, dull and far away. They don't make any sense. I am still fighting against the pressure on my body, but then the murmurs get louder and clearer, until...

"...April?" It's Leo's voice. "Can you hear me?"

I feel like someone had splashed my face, my whole body with cold water and I stiffen.

And then I gasp for air as if I had just broken the surface of a lake after a way too long dive.

My vision clears and I realize that I am staring into the blue sky.

I blink and turn my head as much as the grip on my tentacles allows it. There's Leo kneeling on my legs with his hands on my thighs, and Donnie and Mikey holding me down by my shoulders. They are putting so much of their weight on me that it hurts.

"Y-you're crushing me!" I protest.

They reduce the pressure, but don't let go.

This almost makes me struggle again, but I decide against it and settle for setting my mouth into a thin line.

I try to look behind me, and from what I can see, there are two figures behind me. I put two and two together and presume that Raph and Casey are holding my tentacles in place.

"April," Leo continues and I turn my head to look at him. "I need you to calm down."

"I am calm!" I reply, but the volume and the angry undertone of course put the lie to me.

"Very well," Leo says, ignoring volume and undertone. "Can we let you up?"

"Why wouldn't you?" I retort.

Leo raises his brows. "You don't know?"

"Don't know what?"

"Do you want to know?" Leo asks further.

"Why I suddenly found myself in this very uncomfortable position? Nah, who'd want to know something like that?"

I don't even know where all the anger and bitterness comes from. Is it all because I am in this very uncomfortable position or because I have no idea how I ended up here? I decide that it's not important. The important thing is that I want answers.

"Of course I want to know!" I say to Leo.

He takes a deep breath.

"Okay, but I need you to promise that no matter what I am about to tell you, you'll not run away, you'll not lock yourself into your room, you'll stay with us, okay?"

I choke another angry comment and nod.

"Promise it."

"I promise," I say.

I don't like where this is going. It makes me even more angry, it raises the urge to struggle, to free me from their grip, but first, I know it's a lost cause, and second, I had just told them I was calm. So I fight it down, but this feeling conglomerates in my throat and thickens to a lump.

"Okay." Leo closes his eyes for a moment.

But when he opens them again and locks eyes with me, the seriousness in his gaze sends a cold shiver down my spine.

"I am going to repeat what happened." Leo's voice is just as serious as his eyes. "You came here and all of a sudden, you lunged for the part of Kraang-technology Raph and Casey were carrying. They quickly moved it away from you and into the barn, and the rest of us tried to stop you, but you started fighting us. We had to drag you to the ground and tried to call out to you, but you didn't seem to hear us. And then you wrapped your tentacles around Donnie and he almost lost his hold on you."

I stiffen at these words and swallow hard as the lump in my throat grows.

I did the tentacles-thing to Donnie? _Again!?_ The urge to fight, to run, to get as far away as possible becomes hard to resist, but I manage, somehow.

"Casey and Raph freed him and held your tentacles down," Leo continues. "And I tried to talk to you, and after a while, you seemed to hear me. And you know the rest. And now comes the important question." He pauses for a moment, and the seriousness in his eyes seems to increase. "Can we let you up without you running for the Kraang-tech again and attacking us?"

I bite down my lip. I am not sure. The Kraang-tech is close, but I can't hear the humming, the so very beautiful humming, like a melody, if I concentrate really hard I can hear it like it was right there near me, singing…

"April?"

It's a question, but Leo's voice has an urgent ring to it.

I flinch a little, but then look at Leo. "Yes?"

"Can we let you up or not?"

He frowns at me, searching my face for something, and his frown deepens.

"I-I'm not sure," I reply.

I try to turn my face to get a better look at the barn, but Donnie shifts so he blocks my view.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"I guess so," I say. "But maybe you could conduct me to the farmhouse. Just in case."

Leo looks at his brothers and then nods at me.

He gets up and at the same time Mikey and Donnie loosen their grip on my shoulder, so I can get to my feet.

Again, I try to get a better look at the barn, but as before, Donnie blocks my view.

I can feel Raph's and Casey's grasp on my tentacles, and Donnie and Mikey still have their hands on my shoulders. Leo takes the lead and walks over to the farmhouse, and together, the others and I set into motion.

I realize how Leo tries to keep his weight from his bad leg, and I bite down my lip. I remember his cane, lying somewhere in the grass.

For a moment I think of asking Casey or Raph to get it, but then I realize that now is not the time. What if my tentacles do the scary wrapping around someone-thing again, when the grasp on them loosens? I'd better not think of that.

But I still feel bad that everyone is occupied with making sure I don't do anything creepy when they should be helping Leo.

I lower my head a bit. But there's nothing I can do now. Well, except for apologizing to Leo later.

And then I remember what had originally brought me here.

That makes two things I need to apologize for, then.

Leo hops the stairs to the porch up on one leg, and I can practically see Raph flinch behind me. And to be honest, I flinch a little myself.

It takes all my self-control to not ask someone to help him as I watch him limp over to the front door and open it.

The others guide me inside, passing Leo, and as soon as I can hear the door click shut, it feels like the pressure falls off my chest, and I realize how hard breathing has been all this time.

I take a deep breath.

But then I hear a hiss behind me, and the grasp on my tentacles and the grip on my shoulders is gone immediately.

"Leo!" I hear Raph call out and I quickly turn around.

Leo has sunken to the ground, holding his bad knee.

Raph is by his side and has placed a hand on his shoulder, and the next moment, he and Casey help Leo up.

I just step out of the way and watch them supporting Leo on his way to the living room.

Mikey follows with a concerned look on his face.

I expect Donnie to be right behind Mikey, but I am wrong.

I turn my head to find him standing at the front door, shifting in his place, his eyes darting between me and the living room's entrance.

"Donnie," I address him, trying to keep my voice calm and doing an acceptable job. "Your brother needs you."

Donnie musters me for a moment before he takes a step forward, but then stops abruptly.

"Sh-should I lock the front door?" he asks.

It sends a jolt of pain through my heart, but I don't let it show on my face.

"No, it's okay," I reply. "I'll just go …" - I remember that I had promised to not lock myself away in my room and I feel a little bad that this thought even has crossed my mind - "to the kitchen and wait."

I smile at Donnie.

This still doesn't seem to convince him, so I take a step towards the kitchen to emphasize my words.

He nods and leaves for the living room.

For a moment I think of running to my room nonetheless. They'd never be able to catch me, not while they're occupied with helping Leo. But still, I've promised to not lock myself into my room, and a promise is a promise, right?

Still doesn't mean I have to like it.

With a sigh, I flop down on a chair at the kitchen table.

I sink deeper down in my seat until my chin is at the level of the table top.

I sit like this for a moment when Casey enters the kitchen.

He looks around with a frown until he sets eyes on me.

"Oh, there you are, Red," he says and smiles. "Playing hide and seek?"

"Haha," I reply drily. "As if my tentacles weren't giving me away."

"Actually, they aren't," Casey says as he flops down on a chair opposite me.

I frown, but then I realize something strange. I can't feel my tentacles moving. I turn my head a little and look back over my shoulder. My eyes widen when I realize that they are hanging limply over the back of the chair.

For a moment, I think that Casey and Raph could have injured them when holding them in their grip.

I sit up again, and my tentacles just move further to the floor without any swaying.

"Anything wrong, Red?" Casey asks.

"I'm not sure," I return without taking my eyes away from my limp tentacles.

If Casey and Raph did harm them, they should be hurting, right? But I don't feel any pain.

I shake my head a little, and my tentacles just follow the movement.

I touch them and I can feel the touch, so this means they are unharmed.

So why aren't they moving?

They are moving nearly all the time, so why not now?

I can feel fear rising in my chest.

Something is wrong here.

I concentrate on one tentacle and imagine how it usually had been swaying around. And then I gasp for air when the tentacles does exactly what I had imagined.

I jump to my feet and knock the chair over in the process. It lands on the floor with a loud clatter, but I barely hear it. All I see is how the tentacle becomes limp again and sways back in place with the other tentacles.

I back away, my head still turned so I can look over my shoulder, and bump into something and nearly scream.

I only relax a bit when I turn around and find Casey standing in my way.

He has this confused frown on his face.

"April, are you alright?" he asks.

"I'm not sure!" I reply louder and scareder than necessary.

Casey raises his hands in an appeasing manner, hesitates a bit and then just pulls me in an embrace.

I am so surprised by this, I hold completely still, stiffen even, something Casey takes advantage of by wrapping his arms even tighter around me.

He leans forward and rests his chin on my shoulder. I can feel his cheek against mine.

"Don't," he says.

I am not sure what exactly he means.

Don't run away? Don't hide in your room? Don't push me away? It all makes sense.

"Don't," he repeats.

I let out the breath I've been holding and finally feel how my muscles relax.

I wrap my arms around Casey's neck and close my eyes.

"I won't," I reply.

I can hear how Casey lets out a sigh and I only realize how tensed up his body had been when I feel him relax.

I snuggle his cheek which makes him sigh softly, relieved, maybe.

We stand like this for what feels like hours when in reality it couldn't be more than a few minutes, but time doesn't matter. I feel so safe and warm and comfortable, I really wouldn't mind if it were hours.

But at some point Casey loosens his grip on me and I reluctantly do the same with my grip on his neck. He leans back and looks at me. And I look at him. I don't think I've ever seen him this serious before, not even when we talked about my current situation or when he just lended me a listening ear.

And then he leans forward again, but not to rest his chin on my shoulder again. He presses his lips against mine, gently only and just for a split-second. It's more like brushing my lips with his, really.

It leaves me confused, but I don't pull back, only lower my eyes.

It makes me think of another kiss, not too long ago and still it feels like it had been in another lifetime. The time when I had kissed Donnie. His lips had felt different, not as warm as Casey's, but not cold either and not as smooth, but still so very much inviting.

I raise my gaze and look at Casey. He studies my face for a moment and then leans forward to press his lips on mine again, with a little more force this time, but it's gentle force, welcoming force, and I can't help, but respond to it, to Casey's warm, smooth lips. Again, it feels like hours, again, time doesn't matter until I can feel myself longing for more. I part my lips.

And this moment, I hear a gasp and Casey's lips leave mine, and it feels like a very cold wind brushes over them.

"I-I didn't mean to interrupt," a voice says, Donnie's voice, and when I shift so I can look over to the kitchen's entrance I can only get a glimpse of his shell as he leaves for the stairs.

This time it feels like a bucket of cold water had been poured over me and I let go of Casey.

He turns towards me again, a deep frown wrinkling his forehead, but then he just lets go of me as well.

There's a moment of hesitation, of uncomfortableness before he steps to the side and I rush out of the kitchen and up the stairs.


	16. Chapter 15

_Thanks again to BelatedBeliever1127 for beta-reading this chapter. :)_

* * *

I fly up the stairs and to Donnie's room, but the door is already closed. I bite down my lip as I raise my hand and knock.

"Go away!" is all I get as a response.

Donnie's voice sounds angry, and I try to tell myself that he thinks that Mikey or Raph came after him, that he doesn't know that it's me. But also, I do know that I deserve his anger. And that he of course is angry with me.

I lay my hand on the door knob and, slowly, reluctantly, twist it.

I open the door a tiny crack and peek inside.

"Donnie, it's me," I say, hoping that somehow this would make him calmer, nicer maybe.

"Go away, April!"

Again, I try to convince myself that his voice didn't sound as angry as before and that secretly, he wants to talk to me, but I guess I am just looking for an excuse to open the door completely. I take a step forward and stop in the doorframe.

"I said, go away!" Donnie repeats.

"Donnie…" I start, but realizing I have no idea what to say, I break off. He's lying on his bed on his side and facing the wall, so all I can see is the back of his head and his carapace.

"April!" he says a little louder. "Go away!"

I bite down my lip again. I know I deserve this, but still, I can't just leave him here.

"Donnie, I…" I break off again.

I can explain?

Wow, that's not cliché at all, April! And if it wouldn't be totally inappropriate, I'd slap my hand against my forehead.

"I'm sorry," I finish my sentence. Not much better, I must confess, but at least it's something.

Donnie's body moves with a grunt.

"Yeah, sure," he says, the sarcasm in his voice cutting through me. "Now go away."

I don't. I can't. I just keep standing there.

I catch myself listening for a silent sniffle or something else that would let me know that Donnie's crying. If he were crying, I'd rush to his side and hug him, comfort him, maybe even kiss him, if it would make him feel better. But no matter how carefully I listen, I can't hear anything. Donnie's not crying. He's angry. And I can't handle his anger. Heck, I can't even handle my own anger properly.

"Okay," I mumble, step back and close the door.

For a moment, I think of just going to my room, but I still don't feel comfortable with Donnie all alone in there. I know this has been my own strategy for way too long, but I know how hard it is, too.

So I decide to get one of his brothers to look after him.

On my way down the stairs, I can't help, but realize that history has a funny way of repeating itself, although with different parameters. Not so long ago, Casey caught me and Donnie hugging and I sent Donnie away from my room. And now Donnie caught me and Casey kissing - oh my god, I _kissed_ Casey! The thought alone makes me want to bury my face in my hands - and sent me away when I went after him.

But before I can think anymore about it, I reach the bottom of the staircase. I look over to the kitchen and catch a glimpse of Casey sitting at the table through the open door. I quickly turn to go over to the living room, but nearly bump into Raph.

I guess I would have preferred Mikey, but going inside and tell Mikey would mean telling Leo, too, so I guess I'll have to make do with Raph.

"Uhm, could you please go look after Donnie, Raph?" I ask. "He's not feeling well."

"What's wrong? Is he sick?" he asks back almost immediately.

I wish it'd be as simple as a sickness, but this is so much more.

"No, he's...uhm...sad."

Raph frowns. "Why's that?"

"Because...uhm….I…" I lower my voice to something just a little bit above a whisper and drop my gaze. "I...I sort of kissed Casey."

"You did _what!?_ "

I raise my eyes to meet his puzzled ones.

"Explanations, lectures, whatever later!" I say quickly. "Now look after Donnie, please!"

Raph sets his jaw into a hard line, but he nods. He's giving me an angry glare when he passes me on his way up the stairs.

I can hear him knock at Donnie's door a moment later. And of course he's ignoring the "Go away!" and enters the room nonetheless.

Mikey maybe would have left. So I guess Raph was the right one for the job after all.

I linger at the bottom of the stairs a bit longer, unsure of what to do.

On the one hand, I want to be alone. So going to my room really is appealing. But Donnie needs some distance between himself and me, so it somehow feels wrong to be just a few rooms away from him. A few rooms and and a staircase, however, feels okay.

I don't want to go to the kitchen, of course. I don't want to face Casey. And the longer I stand here in the hall, the greater the danger becomes that he could come here. I could go outside, but Casey could misunderstand and come after me. So the living room is the only option that's left.

It's not the best one, but I don't have any really good options as of now, so it'll have to do.

Slowly, I enter the living room.

I walk over to the couch where Leo is lying with Mikey sitting on the floor in front of the couch.

I sit down on the armrest and just stare into space.

"What happened?" Leo asks.

"I attacked you, don't you remember?"

"No, I mean what happened just a few seconds ago?"

I flinch a little at his words.

"Unimportant," I say too quickly. Leo frowns, and from the corner of my eye, I can see Mikey's giving me a suspicious look, too.

"I mean, I'll explain later."

Leo just nods.

"Hey, Mikey," I address the youngest turtle, "mind looking if there's something on TV? Some Crognard-episode, maybe? If Leo doesn't mind, of course."

"I don't," Leo replies. "I wouldn't mind some TV either."

"Alright!" Mikey grins from ear to ear and all too happily carries out the task.

And I'm just happy, I didn't define when exactly "later" was going to be.

I am not very much into Crognard, although I'll never admit it in front of Mikey or one of his brothers.

Truth is, I just wasn't in the mood to talk. And Crognard should keep Leo and Mikey busy, especially Mikey, and even more when it's one of these marathons he loves so much. And at least Crognard doesn't leave me hanging today, because there is a marathon on.

I can't help, but smile and give an internal laugh when I watch him for a moment. It's just lovely to watch him getting all excited over a cartoon.

After a while I pull one of my knees up and rest my chin on it. It's a slightly more comfortable position, although the armrest isn't the coziest place around here. My back started hurting during the first episode.

Of course, I could switch to the wing chair, but I somehow want to stay close to Leo.

It takes me a little while to realize why.

I still have to apologize. For having been so mean to him. For insulting him. For hurting him.

And for demanding his brothers' attention when his knee had been hurting and he would have needed their help instead.

During the first commercial I ask Mikey to make some of these delicious mini pizzas for us.

He agrees with a big grin and dashes out of the living room.

This leaves me and Leo alone.

And it gives me time to apologize.

If I only knew what to say.

I shift a bit as if this would bring the right words to my mouth. When it doesn't - what a surprise! -, I sigh.

"I'm sorry," I mumble, deciding to go the direct way and not thinking too much about reasons and explanations.

Leo turns his head to look at me.

I return his look.

"What for?" he asks.

I don't know if he really isn't sure or if he just wants me to say it - and no, I don't even want to think about that he wants to punish me -, but either way, it makes me angry, but I choke the anger down. Leo has gone through too much today already.

So I reply, "For what I said back in the woods. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Yes, you did."

His voice isn't sad or accusatory, it's just a statement, a fact.

I cast my eyes down.

"Yes, I did," I confess silently.

I swallow hard before I raise my eyes again to meet Leo's gaze.

"And I'm really sorry," I continue.

And the moment these words are out, I realize that my anger is gone. It must have been gone before, because the words leave my lips quite easily, without hesitation or second thoughts, something I am not able to do when there's a lump of anger choking me.

Leo looks me straight in the eyes, his gaze serious, deep, searching.

"I guess there was a lot of anger seething deep inside you and it had to get out, one way or another." His voice is even more serious than his gaze if that's even possible.

I nod. "And I am sorry you got into the line of fire."

The corners of Leo's mouth quirk up just the tiniest bit, but it's easy to detect for someone who knows Leo as long as I do.

He doesn't even have to say it, although he does.

"I forgive you."

Even unspoken I would have gotten the message. It's clearly written in his face, his tiny smile.

And I smile back at him, and my smile is a big one.

"Thank you."

I place my hand on his shoulder and give it a little squeeze.

"I think when we start your training tomorrow, you'll have another way to let off some steam," he says.

"Training?" I ask.

"Yes," Leo assures me. "I think we should resume your ninja training."

And there it is. Leo's tiny smile has turned into a smirk.

And I immediately understand what his words _really_ mean - that he'll drive me to the ground during our training sessions.

Of course, I could say now that I don't want to resume my training, that it could be dangerous because I could accidentally mind-control him, but I know it's of no use.

For every reason I could bring up against starting my training, Leo has at least three counter-arguments.

And he does have a point. I need to let off some steam. I need to burn off some energy, make myself so tired that all these terrible thoughts don't have a chance to poke my tired brain. I need this sweet, heavy weariness. I crave for this sweet, heavy weariness.

And Leo knows it.

"So, when exactly do we get started?" I ask, and a little smirk creeps up my face when I see how Leo's smirk shrinks for a split-second.

I guess he has expected some resistance. And I have deprived him of a sweet discussion where he could have outplayed me with all his amazing counter-arguments and his leader-attitude.

I know I said I am done with letting out my anger on Leo, but a little teasing is okay. Especially when it makes him feel better.

That it does, I see on the way how his smirk is back in place almost immediately and even deeper than before.

"After breakfast," he says.

I guess I'm lucky that he hasn't set up our training session _before_ breakfast. In fact, it wouldn't have surprised me.

This moment Mikey enters the living room with a plate full of steaming mini pizzas.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, and I realize that he really has been gone for quite a while.

"Casey took some from the first plate, and then I didn't have enough and had to make some more, and then Raph showed up and took some for him and Donnie, so I had to make even more. But now it's finally done."

With a big grin he holds out the plate to us and Leo and I both take one mini pizza.

Mikey settles down on the floor again, the plate on his thighs, and pretty soon, he munches away on two mini pizzas at once.

"What did I miss?" Mikey asks between two bites.

It's only then that I realize that another Crognard-episode is on. I quickly try to figure out which episode exactly it is. And fail.

Heck, I've watched these episodes so many times, I should know!

"Oh, they've just found out about the crystal's magic powers and now they're trying to find out how to use them," Leo answers Mikey's question.

I guess I am not the only one who knows these episodes by heart.

For the time I tried to figure out what episode is on, I've been able to push away the thoughts Mikey's entrance and his little monologue have caused, but now they're back.

Raph is still with Donnie, still trying to cheer him up, still looking after him.

Donnie is still in his room, angry and sad, maybe crying, now that I had left.

Casey is still in the kitchen, waiting, thinking.

And I am here, in the living room.

Because I kissed Casey.

Again, I feel the urge to just bury my face in my hands, hide as long as it takes for everything to turn back to normal.

Which probably is going to be never.

I mean I _kissed_ Casey!

Why on earth did I _kiss_ Casey!?

I have absolutely no idea. I just know that I had felt warm and safe and fine, and that it had felt right, it had felt good to feel Casey's lips on mine, to respond to his kiss, and that I had wanted it to last forever. Until I had longed for more.

And then Donnie had shown up, and now I feel awful. And alone. And hurt. Donnie has sent me away. Donnie has never sent me away before.

I, on the other hand, have sent him away, have pushed him away many times. I had even banished him from my life for a while.

I had no idea that this would hurt so much.

But it does. Knowing that Donnie of all turtles is angry with me hurts so very much. Every thought of Donnie, every image of Donnie on his bed, it sends a pang to my heart.

I get a strange feeling, a prickle in the back of my neck, and I look to the side and find Leo's looking over to me, his eyes all serious and concerned.

I just force my mouth into a smile and turn back to the TV. But I know Leo's still watching me.

I try to look as if I don't realize or don't care.

My eyes fall on the untouched mini pizza in my hands.

I quickly take a bite, just for appearance's sake. The mini pizza is already cold, but I nibble at it, my eyes glued to the TV.

It's the scene where the Wizardess is corrupted by the crystal's powers and Crognard destroys the crystal with a blow of his sword.

As always, it makes Mikey yelp and then start one of his "Crognard is awesome!"-hymns.

And it sends another pang to my heart.


	17. Chapter 16

_Shout-out to BelatedBeliever1127 for her awesome beta-work. ^^_

* * *

When the Crognard-marathon is over, it's already late. Mikey yawns loudly and stretches and Leo gets up.

He gives me a confused look when I stay put on the couch's armrest, although my neck is screaming in pain by now, not to mention my back.

"Don't you want to go to bed, April?" Leo asks.

I raise my eyebrows, hopefully doing a good job of looking awake and not the tiniest bit tired.

"Ah, no," I reply. "I'm not tired yet. I think I'll stay up a little longer."

And I manage to bite down a yawn just in time.

"Well, good night, then," Leo says and I have the infallible feeling he didn't fall for my bluff for one second. "Don't forget about our training tomorrow."

"I won't!" I assure him, adding an extra-exciting ring to my voice. "Good night!"

Mikey is so tired he just waves at me and drags his feet out of the room.

Leo studies my face for one more second before he leaves, too, limping heavily, and for a second I think of asking him if he needs any help getting up the stairs, but the same moment I hear Mikey mumble something, and I guess - or just hope - that he offered Leo his help.

The problem is that just now I realize that leaving the room together with Leo and Mikey and helping Leo to his room would have been the perfect opportunity to get out of the living room and to my room without any trouble of running into Casey or Donnie, or maybe even Raph. And even if I had, Leo would have given me enough cover.

And I'd be in my room by now after bringing Leo to his and I'd have my door closed and I'd have them all shut away.

Stupid me.

On the other hand, there's something about my room that feels not quite right at the moment.

It takes me a while to understand that it's because my room is closer to Donnie than the living room. And I am really, really afraid that I might hear him cry - something I couldn't stand because I know I am not allowed to comfort him. He wouldn't let me. Although I'd give anything to just hug him and dissipate these sad memories. But Donnie has sent me away. He doesn't want me close to him. And that's the reason I stayed here in the living room.

There still is the opportunity that Casey would come here, of course. I think I heard him go upstairs a while ago, and I like to think that he wouldn't leave his room tonight.

And even if he did, even if he'd show up in the doorway of the living room, I'd still be able to shut myself away from him, show him that his presence is unwanted here, just like Donnie had shown me.

The sheer thought of it leads to a cold knot in my stomach and I wrap my arms around

myself as I slide down on the couch from my uncomfortable seat on the armrest as if this would make things better. Which it doesn't, of course.

Donnie sent me away. I know I deserved it, but still, it hurts.

And I kissed Casey.

Okay, Casey kissed me first, but does it really make a difference? I at least kissed him back. And I enjoyed it. I really did.

Even now that I think of the kiss, it makes my cheeks heat up, the warmth spreading through my body, down to the cold knot in my stomach and loosening it a bit.

It is still there, this hard, cold knot, and there still is this ache in my heart, but so is the warmth.

A welcoming, comforting warmth like the warmth of Casey's lips.

I turn my head to the living room's entrance, half-expecting that Casey would linger in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest and giving me one of his trade-mark smirks where only one corner of his mouth is quirked up.

And I am not so sure any longer if I could send him away if he were.

But he isn't, and I don't get into the trouble of having to find out.

As I turn my head back to the TV - I don't even have any idea what is on; it could be a real creepy, bloody horror movie and I wouldn't even realize - something else joins the warmth and the cold knot, a weight on the back of my neck, running down my shoulders.

Disappointment.

I raise my hands to my temples, pressing hard against them.

This is just too much to take. All these mixed feelings, a turmoil of emotions, threatening to eat me alive.

I need to get my thoughts elsewhere, maybe really watch some TV. I think a real creepy, bloody horror movie would be just what I need right now.

And I twist my mouth when I realize what is on is some documentary about the everyday life in the Roman Empire.

Donnie would like that, I think. It's such a quick thought that it's there in my brain before I can push it away, but I don't let it sink in, just bear the pang it sends to my heart before I can lock it away in the back of my head.

Then I concentrate on the documentary again.

It's not really something I would watch if I had a choice, but I don't have a choice. Even changing the challenge feels too much a challenge right now. And so I have to work with what I get. And this is some documentary about the everyday life in the Roman Empire. It'll have to do.

And it does. I only realize when I open my eyes.

I find myself lying on my side on the couch. I guess I must have fallen to the side when sleep has crept up on me.

I look to the TV and realize it has turned to Crognard again.

Only then I realize Mikey sitting on the floor, leaning his carapace against the couch, his eyes fixed on the TV, but he immediately turns his head towards me when I stir.

"Uhm, good morning," I mumble as I rub my eyes and sit up. "What time is it?"

"Good morning! Still pretty early," Mikey replies. "But they announced another Crognard-marathon this morning during a commercial break yesterday, so I had to get up and watch it."

"The others?"

"Still asleep."

I am relieved to hear that. It means I have some more time.

But time for what? To sort out my feelings? Well, I remember how well that worked yesterday.

I stretch and hiss at the jolt of pain in my neck. I guess that's what I get for sitting on the armrest for such a long time.

Mikey gives me a caring look.

"Neck pain?"

I nod.

"Yeah, I was wondering why you kept sitting on the armrest yesterday, but I guess you got all fascinated by awesome Crognard!"

I nod again.

Mikey grins from ear to ear.

"Here," he says as he climbs the couch next to me and places his hand on my shoulders. "I can help with that."

And before I can say a word he starts massaging my shoulders, my neck, and it eases out the pain.

At some point I just close my eyes, tracing how the pain fades more and more. It feels nice.

"So, mind telling me what happened yesterday?" Mikey asks.

This catches me off-guard.

I had expected Leo to ask me and relied on Mikey having forgotten all about it because of awesome Crognard and company.

But leave it to Mikey to spring a surprise.

And now that I think of it, he does have a tendency to do so. The youngest turtle is always full of surprises. And he never fails to leave us all flabbergasted from time to time. When he doesn't annoy us, of course.

But this question certainly counts for the former.

Mikey keeps massaging my neck and shoulders, kneading the now tensed up muscles and pretending not to feel it.

"I … uhm …" I bite down my lip.

"You don't have to give me all the details," Mikey says. "I was just wondering. I know something's going on. Casey was so different yesterday, and so was Raph, and Donnie didn't leave our room, and he isn't one to hide in a room. Lab yes, but room no."

He keeps massaging, giving me a chance to speak, but moments pass and I don't say a word.

"I just want to know what's going on," he mumbles.

And there it is, this begging undertone, the unspoken words that no one ever tells him anything.

And I decide that Mikey deserves to know. He deserves the truth. He deserves the details.

"I … I …"

 _I kissed Casey?_ No, this doesn't feel quite right.

"Casey and I kissed." Yes, that's better.

Mikey's hands don't stop their movements for one second, although I am sure this must have shocked him somehow.

On the other hand, maybe it hasn't been a shock at all and he has seen this coming for a long time. Who knows? The way how Mikey's brain works will always be a mystery to the rest of us.

"And Donnie saw us," I continue, and again, Mikey's hand don't stop, he just keeps on massaging my neck, my shoulders.

A mumbled "okay" is all I get in reply.

A few moments in silence pass because I am not sure how to go on. I want to describe my inner turmoil to Mikey as best as I can, but the problem is that I am not sure what words to use.

"And how do you feel about it?" Mikey asks.

"Terrible!" I reply. "I mean, Donnie saw us and now he's feeling bad and there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. And he sent me away. And now I don't know what to do."

"Hmmm." Mikey seems to think about this. "Do you feel bad because you and Casey kissed or do you feel bad because Donnie caught you?"

I open my mouth, ready for a quick reply before I realize there aren't any words waiting on my tongue, and I close my mouth again with a snap.

I take a deep breath, but still, I don't know what to say.

And so this is exactly what I reply.

"I … I don't know," I mumble.

"Did you like kissing Casey?" Mikey asks further, lowering his voice a bit.

"Yes." My voice is barely more than a whisper.

We don't say anything for a little while and I swear I can hear the gears work in Mikey's head.

"But I liked kissing Donnie, too," I finally say.

This obviously catches Mikey off-guard because his hands stop their soothing work on my shoulders and neck and he gasps.

"You kissed Donnie!?" he asks a little too loudly. "When!?"

"After Bigfoot took off with the creepy hunter," I explain. "When he came apologizing for his behavior and said that he'll leave me alone from now on because I … I …" I break off and take a deep breath.

"I don't think I want him to leave me alone," I continue. "Yes, he overdoes it sometimes, and there are times I have to put him in his place, but on the whole, I really don't mind."

Again, there's silence.

At some point he picks up massaging my neck and shoulders again.

"So you liked kissing Donnie and you liked kissing Casey, right?" he says.

I nod. "Yes."

"And you don't want Donnie to feel bad, right?"

I nod again.

"What about Casey?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Do you mind making him feel bad?"

"Of course I do," I reply. "It's just that …"

I break off again.

"Yes?" Mikey encourages me.

"I … I don't know," I say. "Casey can handle these things better than Donnie, I guess. I mean he does have …"

I bite down my lip, not sure if I should say it or not.

"Yes?" Mikey says again.

I sigh. I had decided that I'd give Mikey all the truth earlier, hadn't I?

"Casey does have more options when it comes to girls, I guess," I say.

 _Because he's human and Donnie is a mutant_ \- those are the words I leave unsaid, but they linger in the air nonetheless.

And there's something else I realize just now. Why would someone like Casey be interested in someone like _me_? I mean, I'm a freak. I was even before these weird tentacles burst out. At school, I was an outsider, the girl who made up this crazy story about her father getting kidnapped when in reality, he just left her. The girl who sometimes cuts school. At least, that's what the others think of me and probably Casey too before he found out the truth. And now I'm the girl who's part-mutant, part-alien and not entirely human with some creepy tentacles at the back of her head.

Casey could be so much better off.

This thought presses the air out of my lungs and leaves a choking ring around my throat which I try to loosen by taking a deep breath. It helps a bit, but the ring is still there and it's still choking me, but not as much as before.

"Hmmm," Mikey makes the sound again after a while, keeping on massaging my shoulders and neck. "Well, I think what you do know right now is that you like them both and you haven't figured whom you like more yet or if you like them equally. I think you don't know what you want yet, but it'll come to you when you've figured out all these crazy stuff that has happened to you. I mean, April, come on! Just think of it! You got these tentacles and these incredible new powers, who wouldn't be confused by that?"

I turn around to look at him, not having the slightest idea of what to say because really, he does have a point. Also, I am bit overwhelmed by his words.

This isn't the Mikey I know, the childish, fun-loving, and easily-excited Mikey. This is a different Mikey, a wiser one, a more mature one. Even the look in his eyes is so serious and thoughtful, it totally matches the image of this grown-up Mikey I make up in my head.

"And do you know what you need right now?" he asks.

I shake my head.

He grins so broadly I can only wonder how this grin even fits on his face - and also how he can go from all serious to mega-grinning in the blink of an eye.

"Pancakes!" he calls out as he gives my shoulders a friendly pat before he jumps to his feet. "Come on, let's make some!"

And with that he darts out of the living room.

There he is, the old Mikey again.

And all I can do is smile as I get up and follow him.


End file.
